I've a problem with my sexuality. This may sound disgusting, but as long as I've had a sexuality I've had fantasies of castration or other sorts of feminization. In fact, it's more or less the only real sexuality I've had. I hate it. Not only do I feel horrible for being sexually different, but I'm scared that I might one day act out my fantasies - something I'd really hate. The notion of losing my masculinity scares me senseless, and I honestly think that I would take my own life if I really did act out these fantasies. I've never spoken to anyone about this before, though since around 14 or so I've tried 'orgasmic reconditioning', which has helped be achieve a 'normal' sexuality for a short period, but has failed when I've become excited about the notion of emasculation. Just hearing a joke about a man losing his penis, for example, arouses me and it's really hard to avoid actually masturbating to the idea. And doing that, I've found, erodes the sexuality that I've 'created' by using reconditioning. I'm 20 now, so I'm pretty sure it's not just a phase. I'm getting desperate and every day it grinds me down. I'm scared, upset and frustrated. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Jack
Thanks for writing in. I do read all the hundreds of mails I get each week though I can't answer them all. I understand you feel scared, upset and frustrated because you don't see yourself fitting into mainstream ideas of sexuality. But fantasy is not reality. So how can you help yourself?
Have you considered contacting the Beaumont Society? (www.beaumontsociety.org.uk)? They have a good web-page and a helpline. They help people understand and come to terms with all kinds of sexualities. They won't judge or condemn but will be supportive. You could ask them about counselling for this aspect of yourself, or about other possible ways forward.
This is just one aspect of yourself. You're still a human being, with skills, good qualities and interests. You're still a valuable member of society. You matter, and I hope you'll remember that.
I wish you peace of mind, and above all, peace with yourself. Good luck.