Running time: 89 minutes
Starring: Orlando Bloom, Omid Djalili, Rafe Spall, Tamer Hassan, David Kelly, Michael Pena, Michael Lerner, Ronni Ancona, Billie Piper
Rating 2 out of 10
Wholesome milkman Jimmy Connelly (Bloom) has one ambition in his life - to become regional manager at his local dairy. To keep himself fit he drinks three pints of milk a day and works out at the local boxing gym. Fate has it that Pete Wright, Britain's great boxing hope, is in training at his gym for an up-coming world title fight against the Mexican Jose Mendes. The psychopathic Wright makes mincemeat of his sparring partners until he is paired with the seemingly feeble Jimmy. But the calcium in his regular pinta has given Jimmy a head like rock and Wright feels the effect with his first punch.
Boxing promoter Herbie Bush (Djalili) is left with a dilemma after the injury to Wright - cancel the fight and lose thousands or find a hasty replacement. No surprises which path he chooses or who that replacement is. And so The Calcium Kid is born. But with no previous fights under his belt surely he can't actually win can he?
Courtesy of a fly-on-the-wall documentary film crew we follow The Kid's preparations for the big day: the training, the misunderstandings with the press, a fanatical fan and a new love. The documentary style is jarring - the film is full of jump edits which annoy the viewer within minutes, but the main problem with The Calcium Kid is that as a comedy, it's just not funny.
The boxing sequences - usually the pitfall of many a director - are all handled well and look convincing enough. The performances are solid enough, the South London location is convincing enough, but in the end they are let down badly by a script which couldn't punch its way out of a paper bag.
No doubt hoping to cash in on the Orlando Bloom phenomenon, the producers have missed a large mass of that fanbase by creating a film with a 15 certificate. While this film won't leave Orlando's career on the ropes, it won't see him lifting any prizes either.
Boxing promoter Herbie Bush (Djalili) is left with a dilemma after the injury to Wright - cancel the fight and lose thousands or find a hasty replacement. No surprises which path he chooses or who that replacement is. And so The Calcium Kid is born. But with no previous fights under his belt surely he can't actually win can he?
Courtesy of a fly-on-the-wall documentary film crew we follow The Kid's preparations for the big day: the training, the misunderstandings with the press, a fanatical fan and a new love. The documentary style is jarring - the film is full of jump edits which annoy the viewer within minutes, but the main problem with The Calcium Kid is that as a comedy, it's just not funny.
The boxing sequences - usually the pitfall of many a director - are all handled well and look convincing enough. The performances are solid enough, the South London location is convincing enough, but in the end they are let down badly by a script which couldn't punch its way out of a paper bag.
No doubt hoping to cash in on the Orlando Bloom phenomenon, the producers have missed a large mass of that fanbase by creating a film with a 15 certificate. While this film won't leave Orlando's career on the ropes, it won't see him lifting any prizes either.
