Oh no, not another pumped-up estate car for pneumatic mums... try as you might, there is little to shock the nation in the arrival of Audi's bid for business in the all-important Armageddon, sorry, SUV class. The Q7, based on the same platform as is used for the Porsche Cayenne and VW Touareg, exudes the same premier-league message and is considerably late in delivering it, coming as it does some seven years after the BMW X5 defined the dream.
X5? Surely the Range Rover was there first?
To the untrained eye, perhaps. Discoverys and Range Rovers can certainly walk the urban walk, but they're proper off-roaders. The Q7 has off-road ability, too, as this road test in muddiest Devon was to prove, but like the footballers' wives fave X5, its 20-inch alloys and blacked-out windows are far more geared for luring gangsta wannabes than Gloucestershire farmers.
So what does the Q7 offer that's new?
There's no doubt that Audi's sales plan will fall like ripe fruit. Its brand status is somewhere between Porsche and Windsor right now, having purloined BMW's technical edge and emerged with sharper styling. But however you look as the Q7, it's one gurt, big brute of a car, measuring 5086mm long, 1983mm wide, 1737mm tall and nudging 2500kg. Subtle it ain't, though the main reason is that it's designed to crack the US market, where it will apparently look fairly unassuming. If you seek understated cool though, a Touareg is the obvious alternative. The Q7 is to automotive beauty what Mike Tyson is to ballet.
So what will the salesman tell me?
That this 233bhp 3.0-litre V6 diesel is the main option, costing ¯¿½37,285. Don't expect phenomenal mileage out of this option: it will average 26.9mpg, though that's a stride better than the 4.2-litre V8 petrol which splutters barely past the 20mpg mark. Performance wise, the TDI is a star here (other engines will follow, including a more powerful diesel). It has power and torque aplenty, wherever you are and is never coarse or noisy.
And how about the size?
Big isn't necessarily beautiful when it comes to Devon's narrow lanes (as one test driver discovered during an intimate moment with a local lorry). Albeit left-hand drive in advance of the July introduction of proper UK models, the Q7's precise and agile progress can't mask its size-fourteen boots and whopping girth. Top of the options list, as a result, has to be a radar system (as pioneered by Volvo on the XC90) which activates a warning light if another driver is lurking in either of the car's blind spots (there are also reversing cameras as an upgrade on the parking assistance). Like any large car, familiarity will breed contentedness, but this is no runabout for squeezing around congested city streets.
And offroad?
Interestingly, the Q7 has no low-ratio gear set. Quattro technology provides full-time four-wheel drive that splits 40/60 to the front/rear axles. When you venture offroad, it employs an automatically-locking torque-sensing centre diff which sends up to 65% grip to the front or a maximum of 85% to the rear. The system isn't going to terrify Land Rover, but for the real-life, fairly offroad aspirations of the leisure set, it's perfect. Six-speed tiptronic auto gearing, incidentally, is standard, but steering-mounted shift buttons are optional.
A winner then?
A postcode-dependent verdict. If you're out in the sticks, you're better off with a Mitsubishi L200 Animal and spare cash for a supermini, but if you're in the market for a BMW X5, the Q7 makes it look horribly old hat. In profile though, this is a remarkably rewarding machine in the right circumstances. Show it a motorway and the (automatic) air suspension setting hunkers down for smoother progress; acquaint it with a twisting road and, with the sports mode on, the throttle response, steering feedback and brakes are confidence inspiring. It demands 9.1 seconds of your important time to reach 60mph, but feels far quicker.
Any trump cards?
All that size does pay off on the school run, if you're not being selfish. The third row of seats are generous for two young teenagers, though lanky ones might complain. Boot space is impressive, too. The Q7's key strength however is that it's built like a battleship. So when your neighbours tell you yours looks like one, at least you have that up your sleeve.
Tiscali verdict: 7/10 Supersize me, SUV
