'Many people are unaware that OCD can take a sinister angle'
Diana Wilson suffered with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) for 26 years. Now working for OCD UK, she shares her story of how she finally overcame the disorder.
'My earliest memory of the illness was when I was about eight years old. The symptoms were a fear of stepping on the pavement cracks. I don t know why, but it made me feel physically uncomfortable if I did it.
'That was one ritual. Another ritual, which was a compulsion, was the fear that if I didn t say my prayers respectfully and sincerely, my mother might be killed in a car accident. I took on this huge responsibility as a child for another person s life.
'A lot of people know about the hand washing and the checking of things, but many people are unaware that OCD can also take a sinister angle, where you have a fear that you may harm your own children very violently.
'When I had my fourth child I had intrusive thoughts at bedtime that I would go to the children s bedrooms in my sleep, take out their dressing gown cords and strangle each one. This was horrendous to go through, because I didn t know whether I was going to do it or not.
'People with OCD are not dangerous and they do not harm, but I was permanently exhausted.
'That was the obsession: the compulsion was to try to relieve some of the pain and terror that came from those thoughts. I would get out of bed, find their dressing gowns, take the cords out of the dressing gowns and tie them into as many knots as possible, so that I wouldn t be able to put the cords around their necks.
'Then I d go back to bed, but I still couldn t sleep. I would get out of bed again, get the cords, put them in a bag, seal the bag, and put the bag in a high cupboard. This would give a little relief, but it was still terrifying.
'After I saw my GP, I saw a consultant psychiatrist. I was put on antidepressants, which helped me enormously. Medication gave me the strength to sleep and eat well, so I could then have cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which is a psychological treatment that deals with the present. I was able to put my heart and soul into my own recovery.
'I often used to ask myself what was wrong with my memory and why I couldn't remember whether the gas has been turned off, even though I'd checked it 13 times and I only checked 10 seconds ago. In fact, people with OCD have a perfectly accurate memory, but what we don t have is a confident memory. CBT can help to restore that."
