Dear Anne
I have this boyfriend that lives quite far away. We talk on line nearly every day. I have the feeling he's two-timing me but I'm not sure. Also, after the holidays I'm going over there for the day and he's told me that he would like to have sex. He's happy using protection and everything, but I really don't feel ready (I'm 14, he's nearly 17) and we hardly ever see each other. On the other hand I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's had a bad start in life: his mum used to beat him up and he's suffered from depression and threatened to kill himself. I'm afraid if I say no that he'll hate me and will kill himself. What should I do? Confused
Dear Confused
I do feel sympathy for you in this tough situation. Many boys try to pressure girls into having sex before they're ready. (Of course it does happen the other way round too, but not so much.) Guys may use all sorts of emotional tactics to blackmail the girl into having sex. Threatening to dump the girl is perhaps the most common, but there are plenty of other forms of emotional blackmail, as you've discovered. He may even have picked up your fears and actually tell you that he will hate you and feel so rejected he'll kill himself.
The truth is that you are not responsible for his feelings or actions. He is. If you give into emotional blackmail once, he'll pressure you all the more. Emotional blackmail is a form of bullying and it's wrong. If it feels uncomfortable for you you're allowed to say so. Your body is your body and if you don't want to have sex, you don't have to have sex. In any case, if he has sex with you while you're under 16, he's committing a crime. And it's called a crime so that people under that age are protected while they're so vulnerable to pressure!
It's nice that you're caring. However, it's not your fault that he was physically abused or that he suffers from depression. Nobody can help the hand they're dealt when they're growing up, but everyone is entitled to learn to deal with it and overcome the bad things of their upbringing. Whatever he says, you can't rescue this lad from his pain by having sex with him. Your feelings are just as important as his so while he may try to make out that it would be noble or charitable of you to have sex with him, it wouldn't honestly be either of those things.
You are kind and considerate. You can use the internet and are learning many other useful skills too. You have a lot of good things going for you, and there are plenty of other boys who'd be glad of a girlfriend like you. You are allowed to decide that you don't want people in your life who will be damaging to you. You deserve someone who treats you better than this but while you're hooked up with him, are you free to find them?
Good relationships are based on mutual respect. From your letter it doesn't sound as though this guy respects you or your wishes. Trust, by the way, is important too but it's not something you need to give away. It's something the other person has to earn, and it doesn't seem as though this lad deserves your trust or your affection. Your self-esteem doesn't rest on the good opinion of an unstable emotional bully!
If you're honestly worried that he might hurt himself, why not say that you'll tell his mum? You probably won't have to do this, but it is an option if you need it. With potential suicides the police are another possible resource.
It's mature of you to insist on protection but the best protection against emotional bullies is not to have them in your life! There are plenty more fish in the sea and ones that will be more nurturing, more fun and more respectful! I wish you all the best and I'm sure you'll soon have the stable, kind boyfriend you deserve. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
