Dear Anne
I have a small scenario most likely to be similiar to millions of other emails you get sent, but basically I am 18 years old and the other night I stayed around a guy's house. Over the space of a few months I have got particularly close to him. We have never really done anything about us until the other night when we slept together. I had a bit to drink. However I was sober enough to think about contraception. I was convinced that he had put a condom on but I later found out that he hadn't. When I confronted his failing to use contraception he said, "I didn't put one on because you have just came on your period so I thought it would be OK." I got really angry saying, "I would never have slept with you unless I was 100% sure you had used a condom." Then he tried to lighten the situation by saying, "I get my chlamydia results back in a few days." I responded with, "Are you being serious?" and he said, "Yes, I've slept with 24 girls so I thought I should have a test done." So now I am confronted with the fact I have slept with him unprotected. I could either be pregnant (not sure how likely that is, when you're on your period?) or I could have an STI! To top it off, since I left his house he's now ignoring me completely. When I have managed to speak to him he has been really nasty. I'm just confused as to what game he is playing. Please help me as I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. Thanks. ?
Dear ?
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. You're right. It is fairly common. Hopefully, though, once bitten, twice shy.
What do you do? Go to your doctor or to the Brook Advisory Service to get a pregnancy test and a check for sexually transmitted infections. The Brook (www.brook.org.uk/content) is a confidential service for people under the age of 25. If necessary they'll be able to arrange treatment and give you counselling to help you make the best decision about whether or not to keep the child. They run a helpline on 0808 802 1234.
What else do you do? You decide, here and now, that you'll never put yourself at physical or emotional risk again. You'll make sure you're always sober enough to be 100% sure that you're going to have safe sex, and instead of making assumptions, before pentration you'll check that the guy actually is wearing a condom. It's also sensible to refrain from sex until it's a part of a stable, long-term relationship, where you and the guy have openly acknowledged that you're dating seriously and exclusively. You'll have found out whether he earns your trust by doing what he says when he says, being open and above-board about your being a couple and talking about what the two of you want to get from this relationship. You'll have met each other's families and friends and visited each other's homes. All this will let you know whether he's available in practical terms. If he takes your opinions and feelings seriously, puts half the effort into the relationship and treats you with respect, and if you can relax and feel safe and valued around him, you'll know he's emotionally available. You'll have spent sufficient time with him and talked enough with him to know that he's responsible and reliable and shares your attitudes to important questions like love, relationships, work, money, honesty, religion, family, children and so on. And you'll have discussed your sexual histories, decided when and if you'll have kids, and how many, and planned how you're going to have safe sex.
As for this user, he sounds like one of those guys who just want notches on their bedposts. It's a pretty fair bet (but not guaranteed) that he was winding you up. He could do that both because you were angry and blameful (rather than taking responsibility for your own sexual health by checking the condom was in place) and because he'd got what he wanted: sex with no commitment. It's not worth trying to talk to him because he doesn't care about you, only about himself, so don't waste any more thoughts on him - unless you are going to have his baby. In which case he'll be morally and financially obligated towards the child until it's an adult and if he isn't willing to shoulder that responsibility (assuming you're keeping the baby) then you could talk to the CSA.
You're probably not pregnant but yes, there is still a chance that you might be so take action as soon as possible. And take care of yourself in the future! Good luck.
