Dear Anne
I'm in a terrible fix at exam-time. I'm a 21 yr old happy-go-lucky guy, or I was until the other day. I'm quite popular with people, or so they tell me. Let's hope that's true. I fall for a girl, the girl rejects me, I forget the girl, I fall for girl nimber 2. Or at least that's how it was. About three years ago this girl and I became really good friends. Several people tried to fix us up as a couple but somehow I shied away from that and never felt anything for her in that sense. We cherished our friendship but nothing else. After a break I found a very good friend of mine courting her. He asked me straight out whether I had any feelings for her. Dazed and confused, I managed to mumble that he should go ahead. I didn't really feel anything about it much. After a couple of days she accepted him. It was at this point that I felt a certain pang, not love surely, I thought. I took up drinking badly, proposed to a girl at her hostel, but our friendship matured after that. She would manage some time for me every day,time enough for a couple of gentle words of advice against drinking. Now, a year later, her boyfriend has left for another state university but their affair is still going strong. I've had a little more time to spend with her, meeting every day, spending days together. She looks really alive when she's with me. At this point I started questioning myself. I felt I could sacrifice everything I had and everything dreamt about to have her wholly for myself. I never felt so cared for in my life except perhaps as an infant in my mother's arms. But then I felt filthy, a thief, a loser, a creep. My life became hell. I managed to put up a mask in front of everyone but inside I was burnt and broken. Still I managed to pretend in front of her but she knew that something was eating me up and kept asking. Three days a go my mask crumbled in front of her. I found myself begging her on my knees not to ask me but I blurted out those words. I felt like I was being pounded by a hundred hammers but she stood there calm and collected. She told me she understood, she held my hand and told me that this thing would only be between her and me. We spent a little time together and then I walked her home. I haven't changed much as a person, I still come over jolly and cheerful, but inside I'm in a state of shock with guilt and agony. I cannot eat much or concentrate and it's exam time. Can you please help me. I feel so vulnerable and I'm falling into an endless pit of despair. Pradoo
Dear Pradoo
Thank you for your letter. I'm sorry you're feeling so low, especially at a time when you're facing exams. So what can you do about all this?
Firstly it's important to go and see your college doctor and tell him a bit about how you're feeling. He may be able to give you an aegrotat (a note to your tutors which may get them to make allowances for any exams you miss or do badly in). He may also prescribe medication to help rebalance your hormones so that you feel better and more able to deal with the problems facing you. He may also recommend your seeing a counsellor, who could help you overcome your negative thinking and low self-esteem. This could really help so I hope you'll give it a shot.
About this girl. Although in many ways you love her as a friend, true romantic love is something different. I acknowledge that what you feel is very strong, but for romantic love to be true it has to be mutual and this isn't. Although you talk of dramatic actions such as sacrificing your hopes and dreams to be with her, true love doesn't demand that of you (or of anyone). Have you asked her whether she wants to go out with you? If this girl is still in love with the other guy, she'll stick with him. If she wants to finish with him and go out with you, she can. It's her call.
I'd like to emphasise that. What she does is up to her. You're not responsible for it. You may have said how you feel, but you've acted honourably and not taken it any further while she's in a relationship with another guy. You don't need to feel guilty for how you feel. And when you picture those dramatic images, the hammers and so forth, does it help you feel better or worse? They are only images, ones that you've created, and you could create more self-supportive images if you choose to.
Now let's have a look at the whole mask thing. Most people have masks at some times and in some situations. That's what happens when people don't recognise their feelings or value them enough to act on. And the more you suppress your feelings, the more they're likely to escalate until you finally listen to them. Once you listen to your feelings you can think about them and decide how you're going to act on them.
You may find it useful to work through Dr David Burns' book The Feeling Good Handbook. Right now you're falling back on the kinds of thought distortions which are common when people feel stressed. These thought distortions only make things worse. You seem to believe that you're abnormal or evil to have let your mask slip, i.e. to show your emotions. Neither is true. You're human and you've done something human. Your emotions will not destroy this girl. Saying you love her won't destroy her relationship with your friend if it's a relationship she wants to keep. And if she doesn't want to keep it, that's her decision too. Up to now you've believed you have to fall for a girl before you decide whether to go out with her. It's the other way round. You go out with someone to see whether you and see suit each other. If you don't suit, no problem. You move on to find someone else who might suit you better. Which you won't know until you've dated for a while ... You can build relationship skills.
