Dear Anne,
I need some information regarding schools. My daughter has been physically bullied in the past 3 years and is so unhappy that she doesn't want to go to school. She is in the last year of primary and I need to know if I am able to get her out of that school and into another. The teacher and head teacher think that she is imagining it and make comments like 'The girls are so wonderful they can do no wrong.' This isn't doing my daughter any favours. We are Muslims and my daughter started to wear the headscarf a year ago but the bullying started before that. Now the girls in her class ingnore her. They don't want to involve her in playtime activities. If the teacher involves them they moan and groan about being stuck with my daughter for activities. I have 2 other kids and they are beginning to be unhappy at the school. It is so upsetting for all of us that I want it sorted out but I have given so many chances to the school that frankly I have given up. What can I do? Should she stay or should she go? If so, what can I do? Thank you. Shaan
Dear Shaan,
I'm so sorry that your daughter has suffered bullying. I understand that you and she are both frustrated about the lack of action on the school's part - but if you've stopped even asking for help, how can they know your daughter still needs it?
You could start by asking the school for a copy of their policy on bullying, which may take a few days for printing. Then you could get your daughter to fill in a bullying diary under the headings: Date, time, place, people present, what I was doing before the incident started, what happened, how I responded and consequences. Consequences might include damage to self or property, or emotional distress, tearfulness, fear, sleepless nights, reluctance to go to school etc. She should keep the entries brief and factual. Each time any bullying occurs, no matter how minor, she should record it because on their own small incidents might seem trivial but taken together they add up to concerted and undeniable bullying. As she is distressed, I hope you'll also take her to the doctor to discuss this issue. It's imperative that if she receives tissue damage (cuts, bruises etc.) you take her to the doctor straight away and get a photo of her injuries dated and signed by the doctor. You can take a photocopy of her bullying diary (plus any doctor's reports and photos of damage or injury, or bills for cleaning, repair or replacement of clothes and equipment) which you send with a dated covering letter.
In the first instance you should write to the form tutor. Keep the letter non-blameful, polite and short. Make it collegiate, that is, you and the teachers are colleagues working together on an equal-equal footing. You might say that in line with their policy on bullying you're reporting the incident both for your daughter's protection and because no school likes bullies to get away with it since it damages the school's reputation; you're including the updated copy of your daughter's bullying diary and would like to make an appintment to discuss how you and the school can best work together for your daughter's protection. You look forward to receiving their co-operative reply within ten working days. If this doesn't have the desired effect, then write to the head teacher, again dating the letter, including copies of all correspondence on the issue so far and notes of any telephone or face-to-face conversations with the school as well as a photocopy of the updated bullying diary, bills or photos, asking for an appointment to discuss with the head teacher how the school now proposes to work with you and your daughter to keep her safe in line with their duty of care, and requesting a satisfactory reply within ten working days. Should that prove ineffective, do the same thing, this time to the chair of the board of governors at the school address. Always keep copies of all correspondence, notes of meetings and phone conversations, and of the diary every time a new entry is added. If that doesn't work, then you can contact the Local Authority Education Department direct, but you can't do that until you've followed the procedures above. Usually (but sadly, not always) this process works fairly rapidly. Schools can be very effective at dealing with bullying but they have to be kept informed or they don't have the information to work on.
It's also essential that you help your daughter learn how to keep herself safe. Pretending to be invisible and staying silent don't work. Indeed this merely tells the bullies they can continue to get away with it. You and she can go to www.dcsf.gov.uk/bullying and www.bullying.co.uk. There you and she will come across useful information and tactics. Tell her she should ask to sit at the front of the class where the teacher can see her, explaining privately to the teacher why she wants to do that. At breaks she should stay close to the member of staff on duty. If there are any lunchtime clubs, joining them will mean she has the opportunity to build confidence by learning something while practising her social skills under supervision. At home you can make a game with her of practising shouting, "Stop calling me names!" "Stop hitting me!" "Stop bullying me!" as loudly as she can. If an incident happens, she'll then be ready to shout for help. That's both essential and her right. Bullies can only operate in secret. She should always report incidents as quickly as possible to a member of staff as well as recording them in her incident diary as above so that you can take action. She should walk upright, shoulders back, head level, smiling at nice people as she passes and progressing to a cheery "Hi!" A reasonable percentage of nice people will respond pleasantly. Each day she can then chat a little more. It doesn't have to be deep and meaningful. Just "What did you think of that lesson/teacher/homework/exercise?" and once the person's answered, giving her own opinion briefly. Favourite music and TV programmes are other good subjects for discussion. She can also practise matching, that is, speaking as loudly or as quietly as the person she's chatting to. If she spots other kids who are isolated, perhaps she could join them. Bullies are less likely to attack a group. She can join www.shykids.com to boost her confidence and improve her social skills.
It's also important to reassure her that she's not responsible for the bullies' behaviour. They are. Nice people don't bully.
I'm sure you and your family give her lots of praise and encouragement. It's useful to ask her, "Who loves you?" and invite her to say, "Mum loves me, Dad loves me, Granny X loves me" and so forth. The repetition will help her to take in that she's lovable and valuable. Likewise if she has friends you can ask, "Who likes you?" and do the same routine so she learns she's likable.
I hope too that you'll encourage her to join out-of-school activities such as Brownies, Guides, the Woodcraft Folk, a martial art like tae-kwon-do, dance classes, a drama group or similar or perhaps a youth club at the mosque. This will help in various ways. Firstly it will help her put the unpleasant people at school into perspective. It will give her a rewarding interest and learning a new skill will add to her confidence. Martial arts are particularly good for building self-esteem, and the central message of tae-kwon-do is to build confidence through defence rather than looking for a chance to attack. Also she'll have a chance to practise her social skills under supervision and make new friends.
Meantime you could be checking out secondary schools, talking to the head of lower school or the head of year 7 about her having been bullied at primary and asking what they could do to protect and support her socially. While it may be possible to have her transferred to another primary school (having likewise checked it out after following the procedure above), it may give your daughter an unfortunate message that the way to deal with a problem is to avoid it. You and she, however, are the ones in the situation so you know the facts and have the casting vote. It can be hard to transfer into an established social network. Going up to a new school in September, where everyone is feeling a little lost and at sea, is potentially much more likely to offer her the chance to make new friends.
I do sympathise with you and with your daughter and your other children. I wish her safety, confidence and social integration. Good luck.
