Dear Anne
I'm 16 and I am having a really tough time at the moment. I feel really depressed which is out of character for me. I have recently started a new school and I've just hit an all-time low. I have been feeling different since I turned 16 and I just hate doing all the things I used to enjoy. I've started to think they are immature and stupid. My friends have started to criticise me for being boring. One group of friends from my previous school have become angry with me because I don't want to come out and meet up. I guess I just don't like leaving my house to often and I don't want to have to talk to people very much. I've started to feel like I'm rubbish at all my A level subjects and that I'm going to fail them all, even though I got 2 A*s, 9 As and 1 B at GCSE. It's also caused me to stop eating. My mum thinks I'm anorexic, but I'm not that skinny. I used to weigh 8 stone 13, and now I weigh just 8 stone 1 though I'm 5'4" tall. I just don't have an interest in food anymore. I used to eat like a horse but now I'm missing meals and only having tiny portions. I wanted to lose weight as I have a lot of fat on my abdomen. It's almost gone but I always feel like I want more to go. I got in a real stress one night and sat in my room crying. I was so depressed I started scratching my wrists to try and relieve the pain I was feeling. I've also been worried because I haven't started my periods yet though my sister started at 13, as did my mum. My younger sister is a lot skinnier than me so I don't think it's my weight. Gynaelogical tests all came back negative. All these things together just make me stress out and my quality of work in class has dropped drastically because I can't concentrate. Please give me some advice on what to do. Jane
Dear Jane
Sorry to hear you've been feeling so low. Let's take the different problems one at a time.
On top of the usual teen angst about who you are and where you are in the pecking order, changing schools and starting A levels are both stressful. Many students in their first term go through the same kinds of self-doubts. It's important to talk to your subject tutors and see what their appraisal of your progress is. You can also ask them for advice on how to make the most of your studies. Assuming you get around 4 - 6 contact hours per subject, you'll need to be doing around 8 - 6 hours of private study per subject per week. Some of this will be going over your notes again, some doing set tasks, maybe some memorising, and some reading around the subject. Assuming you've done all this, by around the February half term you'll have settled in to your new regime and will hopefully have found things about it to enjoy.
Yes, you are changing. Some of your old pursuits may not appeal that much any more because you're growing out of them, but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! In other words, don't just dump old friends because some of their activities now seem childish. Your friends also care about you and can offer you a chance to talk about what you're going through. Sooner or later they'll be going through changes too. Meantime I hope you'll also talk to your new comrades and start making friends with them. A study-buddy could be useful as well as fun. The more you avoid talking to people because you fear you're somehow not good enough for them, the less chance you'll give yourself of realising it's fine to be you as you are, and that you can continue to develop in ways you choose. Socialising is another habit to build back up!
It sounds like part of your difficulty is in accepting yourself as you are. That's not easy when you're changing - but it gives you the opportunity to invest more energy in the aspects of yourself you want to develop. As you learn to like yourself, you'll stop beating yourself up with unrealistic ideas of perfection. Perfectionism is paralysis!
You don't have to be a stick-insect to be acceptable. I doubt you feel much like eating but depriving yourself of healthy levels of food is contributing to your low mood. You're probably aware on an adult level that you're unhealthily underweight. Anorexia, by the way, isn't some random disease that comes from outside. It's a habit of thinking, feeling and acting, and like all self-defeating habits, you can overcome it. You may not know that insufficient nutrients mean your body can't produce working levels of the hormones you need to feel good, think positively and have sufficient energy for your needs. You can start nipping that unhealthy habit in the bud before you get stuck in it. In addition to tempting your appetite with foods you (used to) enjoy and building up from tiny portions to realistic ones, I hope you'll talk to your college nurse and the student counsellor to build both healthy thinking and healthy eating. If they recommend you see a doctor, do! You are important and you do matter, to yourself most of all.
It's not worth comparing yourself to your mum or your sister. You're an individual, and so are they. Periods can be delayed by being unhealthily underweight as you are, and by stress. Besides, it's not uncommon for periods not to start until you're around 17 or 18 even in the healthiest, most relaxed and optimistic girls.
Self-harm is an attempt to manage difficult feelings. It doesn't solve the original problem any more than punishing or controlling your body by starving it. The websites at www.selfharm.net and www.siari.co.uk will help you overcome the urge to self-harm and build more constructive patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. This too is something your college counsellor can help you with. If you want a flat stomach, exercise is more useful. That's healthy, targetted exercise, not wearing yourself out!
You've done really well in your studies so far and you will adjust to the jump demanded by further studies. Just give yourself time. Please congratulate yourself on your achievements! Which include your lovability. Ask your family and friends if you're unsure about this! I'm glad you had the wisdom to write in for help. Since you are so intelligent and so articulate, I'm sure you have the ability to make the changes you need, one step at a time. Good luck.
