Dear Anne
I feel so much loneliness and despair on a daily basis. Please help me. On the surface my life must seem okay, but in all my life so far, there has been no definite place for someone like me in the world. I am just an outcast for life. I find it hard to make friends and only have a few. The ones I do have are progressing into new chapters of their life whereas I fail to adapt. I literally have nightmares sometimes about losing the few friends I do have and being completely alone. I've been living out at university for two years now so I am away from home during term times of the year. This is when I feel it the most. The people at my university are a very different species to the town and school where I grew up. I come from a very multicultural and multi-class area in Greater London and even though I went to a prestigious school, I haven't picked up a very middle-class persona, which seems to be everyone at my Midlands university. There seems to be so much segregation my university which doesn't help me at all. This is just one of many excuses I have as to why I am not fitting in but surely it's my problem because I've always had problems making friends. I'm sure even if I went to a London university, I'd find problems with the people there as well. On top of that, I have never had a relationship or any kind of fling, which is just one of the many factors that seem to make me the social outcast I am. I just don't know why I live in such a bubble of solitude. There is something about me that is not clicking. Could I have some sort of social mental illness? Mya
Dear Mya
I'm sorry you've felt so isolated for so long. I seriously doubt that you have any mental illness. However, your social skills need a good tune-up, and that starts with your beliefs about yourself.
Instead of labelling yourself as "just an outcast", remember times when you've felt happy, and caring friends with whom you've felt that sense of belonging. Instead of telling yourself everyone else is allowed to move on and you're not, remember that you too are on your journey through life. You've chosen to take higher ed and you've chosen to write in and start finding solutions. Both of these speak well of you. Why not go and see a student counsellor to help you find further positive ways forward? A lot of the work they do is helping people who've felt lonely and had difficulties fitting in.
We all fall into three thought distortions which lead us to make less-than-helpful meanings out of our experiences. The first is deletion. You've deleted the good things about you and the likable friendliness which your friends have seen in you. Recognise and value your good qualities now! You've distorted your view of yourself and "everyone" at your uni. (For what it's worth, I also get letters from people who are unhappy at London colleges.) You've distorted that being multi-cultural and coming from a particular social background are negatives. They're not! Friendships are less about who people are and more about what they do. You've generalised that rather than being a worthwhile person with a lot to offer, you're "just" an outcast that people will automatically reject. And you've generalised that "everyone" will behave badly towards you. People are individuals. Some are pleasant, some less so. This has led you to a very unhappy - and unrealistic - meaning: that there's something wrong with you and you'll never belong.
Stop withdrawing. It makes you look cold, stand-offish and unapproachable. Instead, start smiling at people on the corridors and in the refectory. Smile at your colleagues in seminars, lectures and tutorials. Nice people will smile back. Once you've collected ten smiles from others, start saying hi. Once you've got ten reasonably sociable replies, start talking! Ask the ones who were nice how they are. Ask them how they feel about the lectures, the tutors, the work, different aspects of your studies, and tell them how you feel about these topics too. Build conversations up from brief to longer and more personal: what music/TV programmes/interests they like. What they think of their digs or hall of residence. For more on making friends at uni, go to www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/oct/06/how-to-be-student-friends. And don't forget, nice people will be nice to you. People who are nasty to you aren't worth bothering with! Who'd want to think like them anyway?
Two books that offer simple and practical how-to's are Leil Lowndes' How To Talk To Anyone and How To Make Anyone Like You. Louise Hay's CD How To Love Yourself will get you off to a flying start.
Mya, you've learned how to be the way you are now. But you know you're good at learning. Start now to learn social confidence and a positive attitude to yourself. You matter! Good luck.
