Dear Anne
I'm a 22-year old woman who has never had a 'proper' boyfriend, and am still a virgin. I do have quite a few male friends and find it fairly easy to talk to the opposite sex, but because of my inexperience I never feel comfortable letting a relationship develop past the kissing stage. The only time I did tell a guy the truth, my honesty backfired and he dumped me, so now I just make excuses not to get too close.
I feel as if I will always be too scared to let things go further physically. I know I am still young, but it doesn't seem 'normal' for someone my age. I was always very shy at school and had no confidence. Now I feel better about myself, but it seems like the more time goes by, the harder it gets to try and work through my fear. I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of, maybe being laughed at or rejected. Even my closest friends don't know that I'm a virgin. How can I try and overcome this? I don't want to just sleep with anyone, but maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing? Stacy
Dear Stacy
Being 22 and inexperienced doesn't make you an elderly virgin! Believe me, there are plenty of men and women way older who have never had sex. All the same, your feelings about yourself in this regard are causing you problems so maybe now is the time for you to change them.
Firstly, I invite you to stop giving yourself critical labels and negative messages. For example, your honesty to that lad in the past didn't backfire. It helped you get rid of a guy who was a liability because he was emotionally immature. Good riddance to him! There are tons of guys who would consider themselves honoured to be your first. And the fact that you're discriminating is a good thing, surely? It saves you getting too deeply involved with people who don't treat you with respect.
It may be that you are scared about sex. Some people wrongly believe that it will be painful, or that it means giving yourself up, or that they can have no power during sex. Some people have been told that sex is dirty or that pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases inevitably await. A little adult information will dispel these and other myths. You will know if one of these ideas is at the bottom of your fear.
After all, lovemaking is one of the building blocks of our society, as extolled in films, songs and even adverts. True, they may give a distorted and idealised version of it, but most people aren't Tom Cruise or Cindy Crawford. Most of us have bony or flabby bits and it doesn't stop people loving one another. Perfection would be rather intimidating, don't you think?
You don't have to have sex with people you don't like and trust. You are allowed to take things one step at a time. It's not like jumping off a cliff. It's more like ambling gently down the path towards the beach. You can enjoy kissing and then perhaps a little petting of the neck or back before moving onto the breasts. And you can say stop at any time. It's OK to tell the guy you're nervous and that you want to take things slowly. Mature men will be understanding. If they're not, dump em!
And here's another thought. Have you been using your awkwardness about sex as a reason to keep yourself at a distance? Or is it the other way round and you have used your shyness to push people away? There are plenty of ways to build self-esteem. Working through Gael Lindenfield's books such as Super Confidence and The Positive Woman could well do you a power of good.
The more you picture yourself as an OK, warm and caring woman, loved and accepted, the more it will be true. So go for your goals and be good to yourself! I hope that you will soon enjoy discovering just how much fun sex can be. Good luck, Stacy!Back to Ask Anne
