Dear Anne,
Me and my boyfriend had been together for 18 months until we broke up on Christmas Eve. We've always been an argumentative couple but it's never really been a huge problem as we both loved each other too much for it to get in the way. I've never got along with any of his friends, and he's the same with my friends. On Christmas Eve we had a huge public argument in a local pub, which caused him to seperate with me that night. His family aren't fond of me any more because of the way they think I treat him. He insults me and calls me hurtful names to the point where I cry for nights on end. Now, after spending the festive season apart, he wants to make a real go of it. Can this ever work? Beth
Dear Beth,
Unless you and he are both prepared to make changes, then I don't give this relationship much chance. If you're both willing to make other people uncomfortable by rowing in public, you can hardly expect each other's circle to pretend your and his faults don't exist. Plus, of course, public disputes are bound to lead to gossip which may lead to wrong impressions - or be based on correct ones.
It's true that some couples like the soap-opera drama of rows and reconciliations. They treat relationships as a power struggle, putting the other down so that they come out on top. In the process they often make an embarrassing public spectacle of themselves. Generally, though, such couples store up enough grievances that one fine day the soap opera comes to a sticky end.
But you and he don't have to continue in your old, hurtful patterns. You might both take an assertiveness course so you learn emotional literacy. Until you find one there's online help at www.coping.org which offers information on avoiding manipulations and on building assertiveness. There's a spectrum from aggression (which is displayed in arguments, put-downs and even violence) to passivity (merely putting up with unpleasant things). Those opposite ends of the spectrum don't include respect for self or other. In the middle, though, is assertiveness which does include mutual respect as well as healthy self-esteem.
I hope you'll both get past those playground blame-games. Instead of trying to control the other's behaviour and feelings, you could each take responsibility for your own. You can both learn to tolerate differences of opinion and reach a working compromise. You can use I statements such as, "When you did that just now I felt hurt." You can go on from there to ask what the other's intention was and what they want instead. You each have the right to your own opinion and to change your mind if you want to. Nor do you have to take his views on board if you've thought about them and decided they're not valid. You wouldn't be hurt if he called you purple, would you? You'd know it wasn't true. So if he calls you a rude name, do you take it as gospel? Why? Half the time anyway you know it's a lie just to make you feel bad! Of course if you'd prefer to go on in a mutually destructive relationship where the good things come at a cost of rejection and nights of misery, you don't need to make changes.
No one is to blame if they accidentally get shot. But they are to blame if they choose to stay in the firing line. Over to you, Beth.
