Dear Anne
My boyfriend and I have just split up. We had a rocky first year down to him not being sure what he wanted but then started afresh in February this year. Things had been going really well and we were in exactly the relationship we wanted, being not only lovers but really good friends. He has been working hard and I have been finishing my degree so as you can imagine the stress levels are high. We haven't argued but he has decided we should split up and I should concentrate on the things that have been keeping me busy.
We just haven't been making time for each other. Since then I have kept my distance to try to get myself over the upset. He has been in touch with me and called a few times and has been missing me but all I keep thinking is that if it has not worked this time after us both putting in lots of effort, will it never work? Am I right or am I walking away from my best friend and someone who really cares about me? Becky
Dear Becky
I'm sorry to hear you've been so unhappy. Now, though, your uncertainty is causing you problems too. So where do you go from here?
The first year of your relationship was rocky. Sure, you give a reason, but the point is that you weren't always comfortable in your relationship. Your ex managed to share in a good relationship for a few months and then dumped you. By what you say you've actually spent more time not really being happy together than being happy! Is that what you want out of a relationship? Surely not! True, you were good friends for a while but again, do you want a fair-weather friend who's only there when he chooses to be? This guy may have cared about you but he wasn't able to behave in consistently loving ways, was he? And did his blowing hot and cold leave you feeling good about yourself? Is your self-esteem really dependent on having unreliable guys in your life?
So he misses you. Good! It goes to show that you're a nice person, someone who's good to go out with. Since you've attracted one man, you can attract another when you're ready. The next time, though, will you put up with months of indecisive get close/back off behaviour? I hope not. You're worth more than that!
What now, then? Sure, you could probably get back together with him, or at least salvage the friendship but while you're doing that, are you allowing yourself to get over your sadness and your anger at how badly he treated you? Or you could choose to move on with your life. Develop your career, your interests and your social network. Spread your wings and try different activities. You could try other styles of relationship from giggly flirting to just good friends, where you both have fun but you're not necessarily exlusive partners (though for your own protection you may not want to make love if you're not an exclusive couple!)
Your life and your choices are yours. But your feelings are sending you a clear warning. Are you ready to listen to them now? I hope so!
I wish you all the exciting challenges that await any graduate. Good luck!
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