Dear Anne
I am in the midst of a problem that I am not sure how to deal with. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 4 years ago but we have never forgotten each other. I think we were too young at the time and needed to learn a little more about life on our own before we could ever make a commitment to each other. During these four years he has been all I ever wanted. I still love him very much and I am pretty sure he feels the same way, but he did have a child with a girl that he got pregnant and his daughter was a surprise, but a great gift just the same. She passed away about a year ago. She was 10 months old. My ex is devastated of course, but he turned to me when he lost her. Just by email is how we speak for the most part.
I have seen him only once for lunch and that was all, but we speak via email almost every day. He is really having a hard time and will not let me in to help him. I want to help him and be with him because I don't think I will ever love a man the way I love him. He continues to tell me that he cannot handle any type of relationship until he has dealt with his daughter's death. I have been repectful of that and I do think that it is a good idea for him to be on his own for a while, but in the meantime I have all this love I want to give him and can't. He says things things to me that leads me to believe that he wants me to wait for him. I am struggling with the fact that I am ready for a relationship and want him and he can't handle it right now.
Do I wait for him? Do I move on with my life? I feel as if I am hanging on this string and waiting for something that might never happen. What is your opinion? I really need help with this please. Corbett
Dear Corbett
I'm sorry that you're so sad. Sometimes relationships don't work out. The question is, what do you do now?
However friendly your ex is, he has given you several very clear messages, hasn't he? He broke up with you. He won't let you in emotionally. He rejects your help. He won't accept your love. All he wants from you is friendship but in his time of sorrow, he keeps you dangling on a string.
What does this mean? Does it mean that your definition of good love is someone who keeps you at arm's length, according to his convenience?
Do you get intense feelings from imagining out how it could be, if only ...? I have to say that it sounds as though you do. Doesn't that mean you're in love with a fantasy image, rather than with what the real man says and does? I'm sure the feelings of unrequited love give you a great deal of stimulation but without the risk of actually getting close to someone. Could it be that part of the attraction is that safety?
