Dear Anne
My life is a shambles. My husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for 28 years, very happily until about 7 years ago when I realised he had a problem with alcohol. It's gone from bad to worse. The house is falling down, money is very tight and life is awful every single day. At times I feel so distraught I wish I wasn't on this earth any more. I can't see a way out for me. I have no future and I'm terrified.
My love for him has gone but he wants us to carry on as if there is no problem. He is unpredictable and entices my sons to drink with him. There are inevitable arguments, sometimes ending in violence. I present well to the outside world but I feel so alone. Something inside me says I should continue with my marriage because of my marriage vows. I need to know how I can carry on and keep my sanity? Please reply.
Brenda
Dear Brenda
I understand how desperate you feel. Living with a problem drinker is uncertain and sometimes frightening, but you do have choices. In the first instance you may decide to contact Al-Anon, which is the support group for the families of problem drinkers. Their central phone number in the UK is 0207-403-0888 and their international website is at www.al-anon.alateen.org . You can also email them at alanonuk@aol.com . They hold meetings in many areas and it is wonderful to go to a group where you can get support, help and understanding. You do not need to feel alone. Many rewarding friendships begin at Al-Anon. Members come from all walks of life so please don't let prejudices stand in your way!
It is hard to make decisions when you're feeling confused and uncertain. The Al-Anon programme has helped hundreds of thousands of people find a positive way forward through life. If you feel you are at risk of violence you could contact Women's Aid on 0117-977-1888. They also have centres in different parts of the country and they can offer support, perhaps counselling and if necessary they may be able to offer you a refuge.
Once you are feeling better you will find it easier to make self-supportive decisions. These may include reconsidering your marriage vows. Although you have done your best to love, honour and cherish, it's hard to keep doing that when your partner is threatening or abusive and is therefore not keeping his side of the bargain. It's important to realise that though your husband may say he loves you, he is not behaving in ways that express the good, nurturing love to which you are entitled. As it stands he is getting your support which is probably helping him to avoid the consequences of behaviour.
Up to now you may have been attempting to manage his behaviour. You may even have accepted some blame for it but what your husband does is his responsibility, not yours. You may well have invested lots of emotional energy in worrying about something you cannot control. Nobody can control anyone else's drinking.
