Dear Anne,
I have a dilemma. I live in Australia and as it stands am currently single. I'm thinking of moving to the USA purely because of my success with women when I go there. I'm 33 now and sometimes concerned that I'll be perpetually single if I stay in Australia, whereas whenever I go to the USA I have no problems 'hooking up' and any girl that I have came close to falling in love has been from the US or Canada. I love living in Australia, have been doing internet dating for the last year and have had very mild success with that. I don't have too much trouble getting dates. I'm nice, self-employed, not ugly apparently and rent a place on my own so I don't actually see any problem. But I just don't get into any long-term relationships at all and this has always been a problem. Why? I have no idea. I'm tired of trying to fix this. I feel that moving to the States may solve the problem but is this nuts? Considering that I would like to get married someday, it feels a little hopeless here sometimes. I'm a musician, and moving to the US could help further my career but I'm a little apprehensive about that too as I'm 33 now and am feeling the tick of ageing. What do you think? Should I move to the US? Troy
Dear Troy,
Interestingly you've asked more girls out when you've been on the American continent - but they've still been short-term romances. It can seem easier to be outgoing when we're away from our home environment and the expectations of everyone who knows us. However, if you move to the States presumably you'll put down some roots and have a new social circle. Would you then feel obliged to become more buttoned-down and less likely to talk to women? If, having thought about yourself and other people's expectations, you decide you can usefully make changes, then why not start making them right now and wherever you go in future? After all, you are the arbiter of your behaviour.
Now let's think about the whole process of dating. It's about weeding out people who don't suit you. That means most people will have more short-term romances because only the last relationship lasts.
Rather than diving headfirst into any relationship, it's a good idea to take your time. This part of dating is about two things: checking the other person out while they check you out, and learning to relax and be yourself rather than putting on best behaviour. If you want real love, it's important not to have sex before you've got the relationship sorted out. On the first two or three dates a kiss or two is quite enough, but only once you've discovered certain information. Are you both looking for a long-term love or is it just a fun fling? Do you both ultimately want kids, marraige and settling down? Do you share views on vital questions like fidelity, work, money, socialising, drink and drugs, family, home and sex? What strategies do you each have for resolving conflicts? What are your worst faults? After all, better to find out now than after plunging into passion which can mislead. And of course you'll ask the usual ice-breakers, maybe share a few jokes and so on.
If the first date or two doesn't work out, fine, no problem, nothing lost. After all, you're each entitled to want what you want, and your worth isn't defined by that person. Dating is a numbers game and you have to be in it to win it. Each one weeded out is one closer to finding the one you want. If it does work out, then see if you both earn each other's trust. Do you both do what you say whe you say? Do you each make half the running? Do you gradually invite the other fully into your life? Can you both offer and receive help in small things and larger ones? the it's time to decide how to have safe sex. This gradual build-up can take up to 3 - 6 months. It's only by spending lots of time face to face in different settings that you'll see if this has a chance of working out.
As to work, well it's true that much of the music industry is centered around the USA but I'm certain there are studios, labels and gigs around in most major cities of the world. Do your research, make a business plan you can implement in stages and go for it. There are far too many people saying, "I want to be a singer" who don't take voice lessons, meet other dedicated musicians or make the contacts to get gigs. If you've had difficulty selling yourself, ask for feedback. If necessary take assertiveness training and learn more about marketing. Then go for it! It's far better to have given it your best shot and see how far you can get than to sit around in old age saying, "I could have been a contender."
And don't forget the old motto: suck it and see. Believe in yourself! Good luck, Troy.
