Dear Anne
I am 36 years old, have been married for 12 years and have three children, one aged 9 and twins aged 3. The problem is that I do not love my wife any more. I do not know how or why but she does not attract me in any way. I am very fond of her, but is that enough? What do I do? I find myself actively looking to meet new women. Financially I cannot afford to leave her, and I cannot imagine she would have much from her life on her own. What should I do? Be true to myself or honour my responsibilities? Brian
Dear Brian
Thank you for your letter. I do appreciate that you're in an unfulfilling position. Although at the moment you are concentrating only on your own needs, there are two adults (as well as three children) in your situation and both adults have resources. You have already worked out that you can't afford to leave your wife, and while at the moment the solution you've come up with has been to put off making a decision about leaving her, do you really think adultery will get you very far? What would your future partner (or partners) want? Would they be content to be a bit on the side with no hope of living with the man (you) they would presumably love? Would they want to force you into a showdown? Blackmail you? Is being true to yourself the equivalent of carrying a time-bomb around?
Back to the other adult in this drama. Your wife has skills and abilities. She can also think. She probably realises that you and she are drifting apart. Rather than discounting her, what about asking her how she feels? Has she had enough of a man who won't put any emotional effort into his marriage? Does she already feel unsupported and overburdened? Does she want to leave you? Or would the two of you rather start talking to each other and working out where you're going from here? Could you both work on making your lives more fulfilling? Relate offers marriage guidance, and you can find their number in the Yellow Pages.
I'm not giving you permission to have an affair. It's your life. You can (and will) do what you want with it. But unless you start thinking things through you're heading for disaster, aren't you? I just hope your wife and kids get some say in what becomes of this family of five people.Back to Ask Anne
