Dear Anne,
My wife insists that I must always be right. When I gave her a list of my mistakes that I had told her of individually when I realised the mistake she said, "You even have to be right about being wrong!" Is there any way I can prove that I don't need to be right without reinforcing her opinion?
Ken
Dear Ken,
What a fabulous question! I wish more people would take the time to ponder the same thing. That way there would be far fewer arguments!
There are plenty of tactics you can use - so long as you accept that you and she are individuals, entitled to your own experience and your own take on things. It's not your job to make her see things your way, or vice versa. You're each only responsible for your own feelings, thoughts and actions. That's a lot deeper than it looks, and extends to all kinds of areas of personality. Maybe it's something you can discuss with her? By which I mean raise the topic and ask her what she thinks about it.
You see, it's OK for you and her to think differently about some things. Many facts aren't that vital. Does it matter whether a particular event occurred on a Tuesday or a Wednesday? No, the important thing is probably that it happened, so don't let yourselves get bogged down in trivia. But sometimes people mistakenly believe that A and B can't love each other if they like different things or have different views on some topics. On big things like fidelity, financial and household responsibilities and honesty, it's vital that your views coincide to a reasonable degree. On smaller things, it isn't.
Besides, your validity (or hers) as a human being doesn't depend on being right, or more right than the other. A relationship isn't a competition, it's a partnership of equals. None of us is perfect. It's important not to tie your identity to any bone of contention between you. It's one small thing in a long, loving relationship.
Avoid insults and labelling! Don't fall into categorical "it" statements: it's fascinating/awful/pathetic/stupid. Instead use, "I think it's like this. What do you think it's like?" Then listen and allow each other to explain why. As far as is reasonable avoid judgmental words like right, wrong, good, bad. Replace them with helpful or unhelpful, or personal opinions such as "I like/dislike ... How about you?"
Use questions! Not hostile ones, but sympathetic and enquiring ones. You might say, "That's interesting. Why do you believe that?" Once she's explained, maybe you'll see things her way. Or not. But being willing to change an opinion in the light of new evidence is a sign of maturity.
And don't get side-tracked, rake up old disputes or pile "evidence" on top of "evidence". That'll just set both your backs up so you're further entrenched in your old positions. Use short sentences to cover one idea at a time and give each other a chance to respond so you sort out one difference at a time.
Now you may be tempted to tell your wife to look at your letter and my response as a sign that you don't always have to be right. I hope you won't do that! It would just reinforce her old belief, wouldn't it? So let it go! The next time you and she have an argument, once you've both explored your respective beliefs and offered the chance to see it the other person's way, let it go. Respect her right to her own opinions. You might say, "OK, well let's agree to disagree, shall we?"
That way you'll be making your point behaviourally, which is much more convincing. And if either of you falls back into your old top dog/underdog behaviour, stop as soon as possible and apologise for anything you regret. It takes two to quarrel. Good luck to you both in developing personal and interpersonal respect.
Anne
