Dear Anne
I lost my virginity a couple of months ago, and have had sex with four guys, and done other things with a couple more guys. I was on holiday, so it's OK for me to be so sluttish - I think so anyway. But every time I've had sex, or done anything sexual, I've not had an orgasm.
I really like sex, but I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me if I can't come. A couple of times I've felt like I was about to, but every time it's like the feeling has suddenly dropped away, and I just don't feel it any more. Could there maybe be something wrong with my insides? Am I missing something that makes you able to have an orgasm? I know it seems like such a petty problem, but I'm worried. Sex is meant to be a fun thing, so why aren't I getting my fun? Jennifer
Dear Jennifer
No, there isn't anything wrong with you. However, you are perhaps suffering from a couple of misconceptions. The first is that having sex means having an orgasm every time. It doesn't. Relatively few women will have an orgasm with a new partner. It takes time for you both to get to know one another and to learn how to give and take pleasure from one another. You also have to be able to trust one another and be relaxed and comfortable together. Part of that is being sure you're not going to give or get any sexually transmitted diseases, and knowing the person well gives you the best chance of that.
You don't mention contraception either, and the possibility of getting pregnant can cause tension which will stop you relaxing enough to enjoy your sexual activities. You can practise safe sex with strangers but it's much easier with people you know and who care about you! And, of course, if you're looking to sexual conquests to bolster your self-esteem, you're probably looking in the wrong place! Liking yourself has little to do with notches on your bedpost.
One last point: seeing that hardly anybody has an orgasm during every single sexual encounter during their lives, it makes sense to enjoy the journey as well as the destination. When intercourse stops being mere sex and starts being an intimate expression of caring and love, you'll find it much more enjoyable altogether!
Back to Ask Anne
