Dear Anne,
After five years of being together, my partner left me and our two very young children. I am finding it very hard to cope with day to-day life and find myself snapping at the children. The worst thing about it all is that now I am completely on my own. I don't really have many reliable friends where I live and no family, only his family - who just want me to stay up there because of the children. However my family many miles away are not too reliable either. I am completely on my own, and feel stuck. I can't do anything about it - I can't socialise because I have no one to look after the children. My ex and his family won't. Please help me. I feel completely on my own and I'm so lonely. Thank you for reading my message.
Tanya
Dear Tanya,
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so lonely and unsupported. Break-ups can be very hard at first but it is possible to recover from them and rebuild a happy life.
You might like to go to www.gingerbread.org.uk. Gingerbread is the support and social organisation for one-parent families. They offer useful information as well as activities for parents and children. Local religious organisations such as churches, mosques, synagogues and temples can be a good source of support, with a creche for little ones and social events for adults. Depending on the ages of your children, you may find there are playgroups, parent and toddler groups, activities such as Sing and Sign, Mini-Mozart, swimming lessons, craft, drama, music, dance, art or sports either there or in community and leisure centres. Ask at your library too since events for children often attract parents. It could also be worth asking about childminding circles. Come the autumn, adult education centres may offer classes you'd like both for leisure and for improving job skills. You might see if there's a SureStart centre nearby. All of these offer chances to make new friends both for yourself and for your children. Besides, it can add interest to your life.
Friendships are a numbers game. Lots of people like yourself are looking for new friends. Some, of course, are not, which speaks about them, not about you. Therefore it makes sense to initiate conversations with as many as possible to maximise your chances. Friendly overtures such as questions showing interest in the other people's children, helping make the tea or pass round the juice and rusks are all a good start. Around 7 or 8 out of 10 people should respond warmly.
You've understandably been feeling angry and upset, and you're aware of the importance of not taking it out on the children however tempted you may feel. It could be that SureStart can offer you some practical or emotional support as well as a place to meet other parents.
Don't forget online communities. www.mumsnet.com and www.ivillage.co.uk offer information and chatrooms so you can find others in similar situations. Although you weren't married, www.divorceaid.co.uk suggests helpful ways of overcoming the heartache for you and your little ones. Paul McKenna and Hugh Willbourn's book and CD How To Mend Your Broken Heart has some great self-help techniques and will help you boost your self-esteem. If, of course, you believe you may be suffering from depression, I hope you'll go and talk things through with your GP. Counselling can greatly reduce recovery time.
You're not defined by your relatives. Remember: people are not mind-readers. If you want help, ask for it! If they say no, you've lost nothing, but you can be proud you've been assertive enough to ask. Most people are glad to lend a hand, particularly if you're grateful and can offer them help or friendship in return. The past is not a map of the future. You can come out of this happier. I wish you and your family all the best.
Anne
