Dear Anne,
I'm a 26 year old male and just over a year ago I had brain surgery to remove a cyst. I was told it could take up to a year to recover fully, which I just about have. However, I still get tired relativly easily and get the occasional headache. Over the past year I have stopped going out to pubs and clubs (too loud) I haven't drunk alcohol (can't handle the hangover) and basically just stopped seeing friends. I have now realised that I have become somewhat anti-social and paranoid which has worried me about venturing with friends on nights out (even without alcohol) or round friends' houses for parties or get-togethers. I always worry about what people are thinking about me. This includes work colleagues too. I don't have any physical scars from my op. I don't want to be a recluse any more! Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Congratulations on your physical recovery from your op. Like many people recovering from major surgery you've had to change your old habits. Naturally the limitations imposed by your recovery have dominated your life in this last year - but the op and its aftermath haven't dominated everyone else's. It's important to realise this difference in pespective. Now, though, you're getting ready to start incorporating other people into your lifestyle which is a major step forward.
It's helpful to start with how you think. You know you're likable because you've had friends. You know your friends like you because they've done their best to stay in touch despite your past limitations. Keep these facts in mind! Don't talk non-stop about your health but be honest if it affects what you can and can't do. If they suggest a night out at the pub or club, either accept or say you'd love to come but sadly right now you can't because you still sometimes suffer from headaches. Then suggest some smaller gathering, perhaps a boys' night in front of the telly with one or two mates. Be flexible! If they say they can't make it for the footie on Saturday, ask if they'd like to come round to watch a DVD/have a curry/pizza on some other night. Start small and work up.
To boost your confidence, you could go to www.confidenceclub.net. As you rebuild your self-esteem you'll discover that while you matter to other people, you don't have to give them the right to judge you. In fact they're usually as preoccupied with themselves as you are with yourself. Mostly when we're scared of other people's judgment, we're projecting our own fears onto them. Say you've been thinking, "They won't like me" or "They'll think I'm odd." Isn't it because that's what you've secretly been fearing about yourself? How about thinking instead, "I'm a nice guy. X, Y and Z like me. A, B and C love me. Therefore I'm likable and lovable." Then greet people cheerfully, ask how they're doing, concentrate on putting them at their ease.
As for work colleagues, they're just people the same as you. They have good days and bad days. They get sick, tired or fed up. They're good at some things and you're good at some things. No one's on top form all the time. Again, start small, greeting them cheerfully, and slowly build your relationships with them. Show some interest in them and their doings in work and out of it. You'll discover they have preoccupations too. The more friendly you become with them, the less of your mental energy you'll expend on your fears of what they're thinking.
You've been spending a long time on your own and you've been reacting to your dreads: your fears of what might happen. That's understandable. But those are images you've created in your imagination. Forgive yourself for those self-doubts and move on. As you start living your life again, reality will be a very useful counter.
Because, Anonymous, this is your life. Make sure you only invite pleasant things into it. Which starts with thinking good thoughts about yourself. Good luck, and have fun!
