Dear Anne,
I'm 17 and my boyfriend's 18. I love him so much but lately sex is terrible. I know it seems quite young to have this problem but that's the thing: he's 18 so why doesn't he want sex? If we do have it, it's in the morning when I don't want it at all. It's that or no sex. I've tried everything but if I try to start things off he moans about being pressured into it. I know he loves me but does he find me attractive? Whatever the problem is I need to get it sorted or I'll go out of my mind. Please help. Kay
Dear Kay,
Yes, you're still attractive and yes, he still fancies you. He's still with you, isn't he? And he still wants to make love with you - when he can. However, at 18 he probably hasn't had that much sexual experience and from what you say, he's not terribly confident about his performance. The very thought of sex makes him anxious because he's scared of failing. I deduce this from the fact that he feels pressured rather than flattered when you make sexual advances, and he's most up for it (pardon the pun) first thing in the morning when a full bladder pressing on the prostate gives him an unconscious erection.
So what do you do about this? Offer him reassurance, not criticism. Set your alarm clock earlier so you have time to get in the mood in the morning when he is. Invite him to talk about his anxieties (but not just before or after sex - most offputting!). Invite him to go to psychosexual therapy with you. Don't worry, all you do in the counselling room is talk. All physical contact will be in the privacy of your own home. Relate (www.relate.org.uk) offer this service and have a sliding scale of fees depending on your available income. They've helped thousands of couples overcome such difficulties.
This is such a common problem and causes men (and therefore their partners) such a lot of unnecessary heartache. But it's a problem which can be sorted out, and the sooner the better because the longer he goes on worrying without fixing it, the worse it can get. And if after inviting him to seek help he refuses, then you have the choice: put up with things as they are or split. I hope he'll go with you to resolve this difficulty. A lifetime of happiness is what you both stand to gain. Good luck.
