Partner's no help - Agony Aunt

Have you considered asking your partner to go to couples counselling with you?  He loves you but he can't be that happy with how things have been between you either.  You might start by emailing admin@ita.org.uk to see if there are any Transactional Analysis therapists in your area to update your and his interpersonal relations.  Since TA directly examines the patterns of interaction between you it may well be the fastest route to improving things.  Or you could go to www.relate.org.uk.  If you can't find a suitable practitioner that way, there may be other forms of couples counselling in your area, so have a look at www.yell.com or Yellow Pages.  If he won't go with you, it's well worth having some sessions on your own.

So, tactics.  You can't change your husband.  You can only change your own actions.  So far you've had to be the "magic wand", fixing everything that needs fixing.  That's essential with a child, especially one who has both autism and possibly bi-polar.  But could your treatment of your husband be more parental than adult-adult?  By treating him more like a grown-up, you may be able to invite him into a more adult viewpoint.  Take lateness.  Say the two of you are due to leave at 7 p.m.  At 6 p.m. you could say, "It's 6 o'clock.  As we have to leave in an hour, I'm going to go and get ready now.  How about you?"  That's enough.  If he's ready on time, great.  If he's not, then you could leave and let him catch you up later.  If you just dangle about waiting for him, however impatient you are, you're just giving him the message that it's OK to be late because there'll be no real consequences for him to learn from.

I hope too that you'll try giving your husband more positive attention.  You say he can be loving, and affection on your part could invite (but not compel) more niceness from him.  It's also worth taking a few moments every day to think about the good things in your relationship so you have a less negative view of it.  This will help you feel happier.

Most people suffer from self-doubts.  They're not pleasant.  They're intended to make us focus on doing our best but in fact they undermine and hamper us.  Building up your confidence will be very useful.  You could start by acknowledging all your capabilities and other good qualities.  Yes, you're great at coping - but to pin your sense of OKness on that gives you a distorted view of things, particularly so since a lot of the time both your child and your partner are stuck in unrewarding behaviours.  You're more than just a mum and a fix-it wife.  You're a daughter, a friend, a woman in your own right.  What do you do that's just for yourself?  The website at www.coping.org gives some great techniques for improving self-esteem and the better you feel about yourself, the less you'll feel the need to rescue everyone else.  Counselling will also help you feel more confident in yourself.

I wish you the courage to make the changes within yourself that you need to make if you're to enjoy your life and your family once more.  Good luck.