Dear Anne,
My partner is verbally and sometimes physically abusive to our kids. They are his as well as mine. What do you think I should do? Elaine
Dear Elaine,
I'm sorry your children have been subjected to abuse from their dad. It's great that you want to protect them. You have various options. Which one(s) you choose will depend on what's happening.
Firstly is their dad just being deliberately strict, intending it for their own good? It's not uncommon for people who've grown up with repressive parents to believe that harsh punishment and hurtful criticism are the best way to help their children. If this is the case, you could perhaps get some information on positive parenting and ask him to read it too so that you and he can form a good parenting alliance. Sites such as www.parentlineplus.org.uk (who also run a helpline on 0808 800 2222) are good places to start. Alternatively you could invite him to share a parenting course with you. You could find one via www.parentinguk.org.uk. The people there are helpful, not judgmental, and the atmosphere is friendly. I've known quite a few parents who were reluctant at first to attend the course but ended it up both enjoying it and finding it constructive.
However, he may not think he's doing anything wrong. Or he may be so horrified by his own behaviour that he denies it or blanks it from his mind. This is common where the person has alcohol or drug problems. If that's the situation, you may not feel safe raising the issue with him. Sometimes in these cases a "family court" can be helpful: you invite members of the family, grandparents, aunts and uncles to discuss the issue with you two as a couple. That's assuming his family don't endorse abusive behaviours! This can help people build new attitudes and responses which work better.
Another tack is to approach SureStart, a family support system which is available now in many areas. They work with the family to build new, more helpful behaviours and can greatly improve relationships. You could find them via www.direct.gov.uk/en/parents/preschooldevelopmentandlearning/nurseriesplaygroupsreceptionclasses/dg_173054
However, if you as well as your children are at risk you may decide either to involve Social Services or to contact Women's Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk). They run a helpline on 0808 2000 247. For your and the children's safety you could consider going to a refuge.
If at any point the children, or you, are at serious risk, you can immediately go to the police or ring 999. If the children suffer tissue damage (bruises, abrasions or worse) it's vital that you get them to a place of safety and get professional help through one of the organisations above. It can also be useful to keep dated photographs of their injuries and have these witnessed as soon as possible by a GP as these will support you in your dealings with the police or other statutory bodies. After all, you don't want to be seen to be implicated in the abuse or to collude with it.
Well done for having had the courage to write in! I hope your partner's willing to change once he realises his behaviour isn't acceptable. Above all, I wish you and the children physical and emotional safety. Good luck.
