Dear Anne,
I am twenty years old. Me and my boyfriend of 4 years split around 3 months ago. It wasn't entirely amicable but there was no shouting or arguments. I've pulled myself away from him and we've had no contact at all in nearly 2 months. I even blocked his Facebook page so I wouldn't be tempted to dig for info. Unfortunately because we were an item for so long and we share many mutual friends (we go to the same university and live 5 minutes from one another) he is mentioned to me from time to time. Suffice to say he is definitely 'moving on' with several people. I know I'm not ready to do anything like this yet and it's not my place to worry about him getting on with his life. I know we split for a reason and it's best for both of us this way. My problem is that I've been avoiding him, his place of work, his mother (to whom I was very close) and anywhere like pubs or clubs I know he might be for so long now that if I pass him in the street, although neither of us speaks, I have terrible anxiety - feeling physically sick, butterflies in chest and dizziness. I'm unable to settle down again for a couple of hours. Is this normal? Should I stop completely avoiding him or will this ease as time goes on? I'm terrified that if I'm ever in a postion where speaking to him is unavoidable I will be a total mess. This is beginning to take over my life. Kathryn
Dear Kathryn,
Yes, this is fairly common. But forget about whether it's "normal" or not. The point is, it's not very comfortable, is it? Time only heals if you do something different to find healing! So what can you do differently so you feel more at ease?
There are two issues to address. One is how to deal with the anxiety you've been generating. And the other is how you think about yourself.
As you read this, practise breathing in normally (not deep breathing) for a count of three, breathe out normally for a count of three, then don't breathe in for a count of three. Imagine it as a triangle: in, out, hold lungs empty, in again etc. This acts directly on the adrenal glands to tell them you don't need any more adrenaline. It also rebalances the oxygen in your blood. The balanced blood reaches your mind, which says, "Ah, the threat's gone" and resets your whole system so your heart doesn't send your blood off to fight-or-flight muscles and your digestion goes back to its proper job. The more you practise this, the quicker you'll be able to calm yourself if you need to.
Now for reprogramming your mind. Put your anxiety on a scale out of 10: very anxious = 10, very calm = 0. Now turn this on its head and call it the calm scale. Say you were 9/10 anxious, then you're 1/10 calm. Relax in a safe place, e.g. your favourite armchair or in bed. Concentrate on your safe surroundings and rituals, e.g. peacefully reading or listening to calming music. Have a comforting cuppa or suck a mint. Feel the temperature around you and the support your body's experiencing, knowing you can come back to this comfort at any time. Make a mental movie, imagining going out (putting your coat and shoes on, checking for your keys etc., closing the door, walking to uni or wherever, the sights and sounds around you), then passing your ex and dealing with it OK - see yourself being perfectly calm, saying hi and moving on - and again in detail coming back to your safe space and enjoying it. Now run the movie backwards. Concentrate on both ends of being in your safe space perfectly at ease. Congratulate yourself on your courage in tackling this and on your progress. Now think of silly music, the Mickey Mouse tune or Laurel and Hardy or something else that makes you laugh. Run the movie forwards again with the silly soundtrack during the times you see yourself out and about, and again concentrate on all the comfort you feel in your safe space before and afterwards. You'll have built your calm up so check on the calm scale. Keep doing the backwards and forwards movies, still having the silly music with the forwards one, until you're at around 7 or 8 out of 10 calm.
Now think of a time 10 years in the future when you've got where you want to be. You'll have friends, a home, a job, a relationship, parents and siblings or kids of your own. You'll have a good relationship that has lasting power. Your future resourceful self has achieved what you want to achieve, including peace of mind and confidence. Spend some time imagining life in that future where your resourceful self is doing things you like with people you like. What are the surroundings like? What's your perfume? What's your resourceful self wearing? See how positively she's interacting. See how warmly people respond to her. Enjoy your wonderful future and your confident behaviours and feelings. Then at a moment she's on her own you're surprised to hear your future resourceful self say to you, the observer from now, "Thank you for getting me to where I am now, happy, safe, successful, liked and loved." Ask her how you got to that place and listen to her answer.
Because what you've been afraid of is your thoughts. As you learn to think positively, you can move on to greater happiness.
Now, how do you think of yourself? Well, nearly everyone has more than one relationship before they find their life-partner. It's normal to split up with people, isn't it? Like everyone else, you're entitled to try out a relationship and if it doesn't work out, learn from it and move on. It's not pass or fail, it's a suck-it-and-see process. You and your ex are entitled to like who you like for as long as you like. It's no criticism of either of you. Talk to your mates, especially your girlie friends. Ask them what they like about you. Remember your good qualities. Accept that you're an intelligent, attractive woman who's not defined by the opinion of one man out of the billions of people in the world. The past is not a map of the future. I very much doubt you'll need to speak to your GP or a college counsellor but the options are there if you want them.
Then get back to normal as soon as you can. Your old relationship is in the past and you might just as well greet your ex in passing and see his mum if you want to. The longer you put it off, the more energy you'll invest into rehearsing your dreads! The tactics above should stop you doing that.
So, Kathryn, it's great that you've already decided not to hang on to old habits and outmoded thinking (otherwise you wouldn't have written in to find solutions). You don't need to hold on to old thoughts and unwanted anxieties. Have fun with your mates, concentrate on your studies, invest in your interests and enrich your life. If the thought of your ex pops up, just think, "But I'm happy not to be with him now and I'm happy to be myself." Then behave in ways that make it true. When you're ready, you can date again, still on that suck-it-and-see basis until you find a relationship that works well for both of you.
For more on positive thinking and confidence, why not go to my website at www.emotionalmagic.net? I wish you confidence and peace of mind. Good luck.
