Dear Anne
I've just got divorced from my wife. She was the perfect woman for me and since divorcing her I find it hard to get an erection. I really need some advice because I'm only 30 and would like to get my sex life back on track. I've tried Viagra pills but they don't seem to work. Please help! Bob
Dear Bob
I'm sorry you're unhappy at the moment. It is extremely unlikely that there's a physical problem causing your current sexual problem but it would be a good idea for you to go and have a check-up and a chat with your GP just to make sure.
However it seems more likely that this erectile difficulty is psychological in origin, and there are indicators in your email. You say your wife was the "perfect woman" for you - but surely a woman who's perfect for you wouldn't divorce you or give you cause to divorce her? After all, isn't one of the qualifying factors of the perfect partner is that she stays with you and loves you in ways that feel good to you? Whatever you may or may not have done, she had the choice about how she would respond. Sticking around so the two of you could tackle any problems together would have been a tick in the "perfection" column but divorcing isn't. As your email seems to indicate that you accept an unfair share of responsibility for the divorce, low self-esteem could well be the trigger for your erectile dysfunction. Also if you continue to consider your wife the only perfect partner for you and therefore constantly refresh your sorrow that she's no longer with you, or if you compare other women adversely to her, you may again be limiting your sexual responses with your beliefs.
It's also important to realise that it is normal to experience some sexual dysfunction, especially during and after a major stressor such as divorce. Many men, once they've experienced a difficulty in getting or sustaining an erection, then go on to build a learned stress response commonly known as performance anxiety. They focus so intensely on the idea that they might not achieve orgasm that the anxiety blocks the creation and reception of the appropriate pleasure hormones in the brain. Each time they experience erectile dysfunction, they go further along the anxiety-provoking thought process of self-doubt and self-criticism. And the more they stress, the harder it is to relax and enjoy orgasm.
Since sex begins in the head, it would make sense for you to go and talk things through with a counsellor. It doesn't have to be one who specialises in sexual matters. Once you overcome your self-limiting beliefs and learn to relax, you're pretty much certain to recover your former capacity. On average people take around 1 month for each year of a relationship to recover from divorce.
It'll also be useful to build a good, trusting relationship with a new sexual partner, one where you can discuss your worries and work out how to solve them together, and to realise that for a lot of women, the journey is at least as pleasurable as the destination. I wish you confidence and a speedy return of your libido. Back to Ask Anne
