My wife doesn't talk to me. We have been married for almost 3 years and have a baby girl of 3 months. Even so we've never been able to build a proper love-based conjugal life. I used be angry with some matters during the wedding and I kept picking on her since then by bringing these up. Now I think she is bored. I had relations with other women before marriage and I still recall them: the things I used to do with them, the way they used to love me and all. But I find my wife is not loving in the way I want. I even had to teach her how to kiss! Please suggest how I can get her to open her heart to me. Bappy
There are two very unhappy people in this marriage, aren't there? I'm glad you've had the courage to acknowledge you haven't been very fair to her. Try looking at things from her point of view. You chose an inexperienced bride and then seem angry that she'd never learned how to kiss, let alone make love. You've been controlling and frequently critical. You appear to have let her know other women are better lovers, which she must have found very hurtful to hear. And I notice that you don't once tell me you love her. Have you ever told her? Have you demonstrated your love with kindness, patience and understanding? How is she supposed to find your harsh treatment of her appealing? How is she supposed to feel loved and valued with all that going on? How is she supposed to be able to love and trust you to support her emotionally and be good to her? Small wonder she closes herself off to you. She must be afraid you'd argue with anything she dared say. At the moment she must fear that if she opens her heart to you, you'll trample all over it.
Now is the time to start again. To admit to her that you've made mistakes and upset her even though you didn't mean to. To apologise for being so mean to her. To promise her that you'll learn to earn her trust but that you need her help for that. To ask her to learn to talk to you, reassuring her that you'll listen and understand rather than bullying her. Find things for which to praise her: some aspects of her looks, the lovely baby she's produced, her mothering, her cooking, her housework, anything kind or helpful or even dutiful that she does. Let her know you value her and that from now on you'll cherish her as a good husband should.
Allow the relationship between you time to develop under your nurturing. Offer her plenty of signs of affection, non-sexual for the first couple of months at least. Greet her with a kiss and a smile. Ask how she is and how her day's gone. Show some interest in her as a person. Make time for her and show her you care about her. If possible, arrange a baby-sitter and take her out to places of her choice. Make sure she doesn't feel lonely and isolated, as so many new mothers do. Let her have friends and interests, and if possible share some of her interests with her.