Dear Anne,
My 18 year old son had a one night stand with a 26 year old. The result was a baby girl. He's told everyone the mum miscarried and is denying that baby is alive and well. He asked me a long time ago not to tell anyone and to have nothing to do with the baby. He doesn't know I'm in email contact with the mum and am very happy to be a grandma. I haven't told my son's dad. We're divorced. It's breaking my heart that I can't tell anyone. Surely my mum has a right to know she is a great-grandmother? I have so many unanswered questions. What do I do? Forget about the baby, as my son wishes? Tell a select few, but keep it quiet? The baby is so beautiful and she has red hair just like me! It upsets me that the baby will one day find out that her dad didn't want her. Trish
Dear Trish,
I'm sorry you're in this difficult position. I can't predict how your son or your granddaughter's mother will react, so do consider possible consequences.
However, your son has a legal and moral obligation to the child. Assuming he has an income, or as soon as he does, he should pay some child maintenance. It may be, though, that your granddaughter's mum doesn't want anything to do with him and doesn't want any money from him either. You'd have to ask her what she wants. As she's the one looking after the little girl, her wishes should be important to you in making any decisions.
Whether he's willing to acknowledge her or not, your son's daughter exists. You could tell him that you're delighted to be a grandmother and you don't want the little girl growing up without you in her life whatever he chooses to do. If he's unhappy about that, you might see your granddaughter secretly, but this is far from ideal as he may well find out eventually. You could confide in one or two trusted friends, swearing them to secrecy. You could tell him that he doesn't have to be closely involved with his daughter but should at least acknowledge her, give her birthday and Christmas presents, for example. Or he could spend at least some time getting to know her for all the joy she will bring into his life and for the girl's own benefit. Many young dads in similar situations do change their minds and want to know their children when they're a bit older and more mature themselves.
But you, your son and the baby's mother are all adults. You can't be responsible for their actions, only your own. I hope you and your granddaughter's mother can work together for the little girl's welfare. Good luck.
