Dear Anne,
I think my mum is dating someone. I'm only 12 and have been rather suspicious since 2 years ago when I saw a text my mum had received saying "You and X made the perfect couple." Since then I have been checking text messages from him to her and they have always been about being girlfriend and boyfriend. They're always about sleeping with him and stuff. I know it's bad that I'm checking her texts but what am I supposed to do? I'm now pretty sure that they are going out so should I ask my mum if she is dating him or not? A Confused Girl
Dear Confused Girl,
I understand that you're feeling anxious about your mum dating someone. What I don't know is whether your mum is still with your dad or stepdad. If so, then you need to tell your mum that you're worried she may be in a relationship with someone else, ask her what might happen and request that she tells your dad or stepdad.
However, you make no mention of a father or stepfather. In which case your mum has every right to date guys if she wants to. Why shouldn't she? It takes nothing away from you because parent-child love isn't like adult-adult love. Don't you want your mum to have that kind of happiness in her life? Wouldn't that be very selfish on your part? Why not just say you'd be cool with her dating someone and then ask her if she is? After all, in a few years you're going to want to start dating, aren't you? Besides, if she and your dad aren't together, your liking her boyfriend/s isn't disloyal to your dad. It's perfectly OK to have good relationships with both your dad and a stepdad. And with your mum and any stepmum. Such relationships are separate, and it's best not to discuss the one with the other.
Which bring us to your snooping. Reading your mum's texts is intrusive. You wouldn't want her to read your texts if you had a boyfriend, would you? If you want to earn respect, you have to start by demonstrating it.
I hope you show grown-up behaviour by asking your mum's permission to go out, saying when, where and with whom, what you're going to be doing, how you're getting home safely and agreeing with her a sensible time for you to come back. Likewise you could ask your mum to let you know where she's going and when she's coming back, and asking her if you can meet anyone who's likely to be a permanent feature of your life. Generally parents don't introduce new boy or girlfriends until they've been going out for several months so they know it's a stable relationship. It's a much better idea than being introduced to a succession of "uncles".
If when you've thought about it you're still unhappy about the idea of your mum having a boyfriend, why not talk to a friend's mum, another adult such as the school nurse or even to kids in your class that you know have divorced or separated parents? You'll see it's perfectly normal and acceptable.
I wish you and your mum a closer relationship with fewer secrets and more information! Good luck.
