Dear Anne
One big problem is getting me and my family down. I am mostly always with my girlfriend now but all my mates keep coming round to call for me. If I'm in when they come round I either can't come out or they come in for about an hour until they have to go because I'm going round to my girlfriend's. I sleep at my gran's one night every week but when I'm there I'm mostly on the phone and not keeping my gran company which is really annoying for her. Also my mam always says to me, "Are you going out with your mates again tonight?" And if it's not that it's either, "Ryan, you're not going out with your mates again tonight are you?" or "You're having a break from your girlfriend for a couple of days." I always say to her, "It's not your life. Leave me alone," but now I'm realising if my girlfriend and I did split up (God forbid ), that I would have no friends or anything and end up a loner. But when I say I'm going out, at first my girlfriend is OK but then keeps bringing it up, like "What time are you coming out? Oh no, you're going out with your mates!" Even though she doesn't do that as much as before, how can I tell her that I'm going out with my mates without upsetting her and still keep my family happy? Cheers. Ryan
Dear Ryan
What a popular guy you are! You have a mum, a gran, a girlfriend and mates all vying for your attention. But you can't keep all of them happy all of the time.
What you might do is set clear boundaries so everyone knows where they are. Including you. You might decide for example that Sunday and Thursday are family days; Wednesday is Gran day and Monday and Friday are mates days; Tuesdays are girlfriend days, while Saturday is your day just to be yourself and catch up with your own stuff. When you're at your gran's, you make it clear to your mates that you're not free to chat and you'll catch up with them another day. When you're at your mum's, if you give her some nice attention on your own terms (e.g. chatting, helping with chores, making her a cup of tea) you could spend a bit of time on the phone, but not more than an hour or so. And when you're at your girlfriend's, you won't spend more than an hour with your mates or on the phone to them, then they can leave you and your girlfriend to enjoy some time together.
The actual balance, of course, is up to you and your own sense of priorities. But the separate day system above should mean that your girlfriend, your gran and your mum have no reason to get annoyed because they know when you're with them that you really are with them. Statements such as "It's my life!" by the way are inflammatory (but I bet you'd noticed that already!) They don't help you and they do hurt people who care about you.
As for your ending up a loner, it's not going to happen, is it? Unless, of course, you carry on as you are, in which case many of these people are going to get annoyed that you don't make time for them and choose to have less to do with you ...
Take care, Ryan – of your relationships and yourself. And good luck.
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