My Daughter Hates Me - Agony Aunt

I'm so sorry you and your other daughters have been suffering like this. I'm sorry for C too, since she sounds a very unhappy person. It's really sad that you've been feeling suicidal but please don't hurt yourself. That won't help any of you, will it? Your other daughters still need you and the situation won't always be this bad. If you stay alive you have the chance of finding happiness again, but you can't do that if you're dead. I urge you to go and talk things through with your doctor. If it's appropriate s/he can prescribe medication to help you rebalance your body chemistry so you feel stronger and more on top of things. Hopefully the doctor will also be able to refer you to counselling even if it's only a few sessions of stress counselling at first. If at any point day or night the thought of suicide comes back to you, please ring the Samaritans on 08457-909090. They'll listen and be understanding. You could also ring the Parentline Plus helpline on 0808-800-2222 and they'll be happy to talk to you. They won't be judgmental but can offer you support and advice about dealing with your difficult daughter.

If C attacks you or her sisters physically, you have the right to call the police on 999. You might also choose to put locks on your bedroom doors to safeguard your money, clothes and so on. Here, though, are some other suggestions. They won't necessarily be easy to carry out, but the tactics you've tried so far haven't worked so isn't it time you started doing something else?

First of all, you need to set limits. You can stop telling her what to do or not to do, and stop commenting on her actions and choices. They are hers. You are only responsible for yours (and your other daughters' if they aren't adults yet). If she wants to pack her job in, let her carry on - but make it clear she still has to pay her share of the board. If she doesn't, she can always go and live somewhere else. Yes, I know you don't want her leaving home, but it might be best for all of you in the long run. As things have been, you've protected her from the consequences of her own actions so she's just carried on the same. When she's got herself (and you) kicked out of a home, you've found a new one and let her live there so she's not had any lessons to learn. The next time she makes the "I'll run away" threat, why not just say as calmly as possible, "I love you, C, and I wish you could live here in harmony with the rest of us, but if you don't want to do that, I'm sure you'll soon find yourself somewhere else to live. We'll be happy to come and visit you, and you'll always be welcome back here, so make your mind up, sweetie." Or words to that effect. She could always ring Shelterline on 0808 800 4444 if she needs emergency housing.

As for parties or other activities in your shared space, you can make it clear politely, calmly and firmly that all noise has to stop by ten p.m. during the week and midnight on Saturday.

The more you can avoid shouting and criticising her, the better. Without being too creepy, you can invite her to share in pleasant family times, and if there's anything complimentary you can find to say about her, so much the better. If she's shouting at you, just look at her with a polite, interested expression on your face until she's wound down. Then you can say quietly and calmly, "I don't like it when you shout. Are you willing to say what you want politely? If so, we can discuss it." If she shouts again, say the same thing just as quietly and calmly when she's wound down again. If she insults any of you, just look her calmly in the eye and when she's quiet, say calmly, "I didn't like it when you said that. If you have a problem, please will you discuss it quietly?"

I hope too that you and your other daughters have some friends and interests so that you can spend an hour or two in pleasant company and recharge your batteries. I wish you safety and peace of mind. Back to Ask Anne