Dear Anne,
My mum is 74. My dad died 4 years ago and she didn't seem to recognise that I was grieving for him as well. Since then she has been so attention-seeking it is ruining my own family life. My husband is really understanding and easy-going but she has even managed to make him lose his temper. She is quite fit for her age but doesn't seem to want to do anything. We have taken her away with us and she has just ruined the holiday as she thinks we should all wait on her hand and foot because she's an old lady. She will not even put the kettle on and someone always has to get up and refill her glass. I have 2 daughters and they can both do something exactly the same but she tells the eldest one off and thinks the other one is OK. Every day I phone her and there is something wrong with her. She is always getting the doctor out for minor things and getting her to send her for X-rays. She must have had every part of her body looked at over the last few years. Just before Christmas she said she couldn't get her breath, so straight away I got her an appointment. Then she cancelled it and said she would go later. I really love my mum but she is driving us all mad. She goes out sometimes with friends and I tried to get her to get a hobby but everything is too much trouble for her. Please can you help me? Susan
Dear Susan,
I truly understand how fed up you must feel. You feel sorry for your mum, you love her and you feel guilty as well as annoyed when she plays on your sympathy. Mums know how to push our buttons because they were the ones who put them there. So what can you do about it?
The trick is to dose out the attention you're willing to give her and put firm barriers between you and further demands. It's not easy. At first she's likely to escalate, which will probably mean more arguments, more self-pity and further demands. But if you stay firm (but caring and polite) you will eventually get to a point where you can balance what you and your family want with what she wants.
I sympathise with you on your bereavement. If you feel you need more support for your own bereavement, why not go to www.griefnet.org, a website run by and for those who have been bereaved. She, however, feels more bereaved than anyone else in your family and in a way you can understand that point of view even though it doesn't seem fair because she's discounting your loss. You've lost your dad, which is a big hole out of your life, but you have your husband and your kids. She, though, is presumably now living alone where before her husband was half of her life. She's so bound up in her feelings that she has no mental energy to spare for anyone else, even her beloved daughter. She lacks the confirmation of her existence that we all need from someone else's attentions. Therefore she makes unnecessary demands on you and your family, simply to feel that she exists and is important. That's why dosing out some attention on your own terms is helpful. Doing it this way also helps you feel more in control and less like a victim.
Because you can't rescue her. Even if you give up your whole life to her, you still won't be her husband, there for her 24/7 even when she's in bed. Unless it's likely to be fatal, if she rings up complaining of some pain or other, don't leap in to try and fix it. Lather on the sympathy, then ask her how she's going to deal with it. Don't make suggestions, however helpfully meant, because she'll just answer, "Yes, but ..." or do the opposite which will leave you feeling frustrated. The point of her asking for unnecessary help isn't to get the help, it's to get attention.
At a time when she's criticised your elder daughter unfairly, ask her to step out into another room with you. You might try saying something like, "Mum, I know you love your grandchildren but I think it's unfair to criticise one of them and not the other when they've done the same thing. Please will you treat them the same?" She'll probably get into a huff but that's up to her. It might even give you and your family a bit of space!
Try giving her lots of compliments on how spry she is too. If she's asking you to make her a cuppa, say you'll go with her into the kitchen but she'll keep up her mobility better if she does little things like that for herself, and again compliment her on how well she's doing. If it's a drink out of a bottle, put the bottle by her so she can refill it when she wants.
