Dear Anne,
My family and friends have recently discovered that I am bulimic. My mum took me to see my doctor, who has referred me to a counsellor. My mum wants to be present at these sessions as she feels my bulimia is her fault, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with her, let alone in front of her. I don't want her to know the reasons why I do it. I have pushed myself away from my friends and have no one to talk to, and due to my extreme mood changes I have attempted suicide several times. I don't have the worst life, but I just don't know how to sort things out. Help me please? Tammy
Dear Tammy,
Well done for recognising that you've developed a problematic habit! You can overcome it and work out how to address the emotional difficulties which led you to those self-destructive behaviours. That way you won't need to adopt bulimic behaviours or suicidal thoughts any more because you'll have learned good emotional management techniques that help you feel better about yourself and other people and your life.
In most cases the counsellor for a person with eating disorders will work only with that person, though at a time when the person is ready, they may invite the parent/s to a session or two. The counsellor will explain his or her ethical boundaries to you in the first session if you ask. These include their take on confidentiality. If you ask the counsellor not to include your mum in your therapy, I'm pretty sure that's what'll happen.
In a few cases, there may be a recommendation for some family therapy. That's if the counsellor feels other family members' behaviour has had an input into your developing those unhelpful habits around food. If so, sorting out their behaviours could be helpful to you in sorting out your own. Family therapy, however, is quite hard to come by so it isn't very likely.
Of course your mum cares about you and so feels guilty and responsible for your choices. But you're not responsible for her problems, though your behaviours will have some impact on her as well as on yourself.
Please be aware that bulimia isn't some germ that swoops in from outer space. It's a pattern of beliefs, thinking, feeling and behaving which you have developed. A set of habits which are intended to have a positive outcome but actually have painful consequences - but you can change the habits as you find more constructive ways of achieving your goals. You might like to ring the b-eat youth helpline on 0845 634 7650 (Monday-Friday 4.30 - 8.30 p.m., Saturdays 1 p.m. - 4.30) or go to www.b-eat.co.uk.
I wish you the courage to learn to love yourself in ways that help you because you matter. Good luck.
Anne
