Dear Anne
My future mother-in-law is very awkward. When her son and I were first courting (aged 34 and 37) she threw me out of the house. This was because late one evening when she was in bed we were kissing on the sofa. She regularly invites his ex round for tea and she can do no wrong. His mother has even been to the solicitor's to stop me getting any of her money when she dies. I don't want her horrible money! She is extremely manipulative and often will fain illness when her family are visiting. She won't listen to me at all and doesn't seem to have any respect for me. Unfortunately we end up having her around for Christmas every year even though he has a brother. Can you help? Barbara
Dear Barbara
It's sad when a MIL is difficult with her son- or daughter-in-law. Both parties miss out on what could be a rewarding relationship, and of course it can leave her child as piggy in the middle. There are no cast-iron guarantees in such a situation but the suggestions below have worked for others.
Firstly, how does your fiancé feel about her? Does he recognise her difficult behaviour? Does he want to stay in touch with her? Is he prepared to take your part? I'm not suggesting that he should be hostile or aggressive, and I'm sure you're wise enough to behave impeccably towards her.
Assuming you and he can present a united front, then you could try two tactics. The first is to go out of your way to be nice to her. Give her attention on your terms so that she's less likely to feel neglected and therefore critical. You might ring up for a chat now and then, particularly if there's a hot topic you can give as the reason for the call, say if she's been feeling under the weather or has had a day out. Try arranging that you all meet up for coffee and cakes in a cafe at a weekend, or go with your fiancé sometimes when he drops round to see her. Show interest in her interests. Find things for which to praise her (her cooking could be a good one), and don't forget to praise her son to her either. If she has a difficulty, ask if you can help her. Ask her round to your place for a meal now and then. Difficult though it may be, if you and her son invite her to be more a part of your lives, she's less likely to think that you're "taking him away from her" which is often at the bottom of MIL conflicts. All this invites (but can't compel) a more positive opinion of you.
If she's critical towards you when her son's around, you can act assertively. Stay calm! If you acknowledge you've done something you now regret and are willing to apologise, that can be very useful. If you don't admit any errors, you could try saying something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I find it quite hurtful." If that doesn't slow the criticisms, you could at a later date try saying, "That sounded very unkind but you can be such a lovely woman I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful." At which point most (but not all!) people will backpedal.
It's unfair to invite your fiancé to be antagonistic towards her, which will in any case cause torn loyalties and may backfire on you. I'm sure you let her see her son on her own sometimes for some parent-child time. I hope you avoid taking a "me or That Woman" stance which is likely to make things worse rather than better. If he is willing to stand up for you once you've done your best to be polite and assertive, he might say something like, "I'm sorry you're upset, Mum, but I don't like it when you say unkind things to my fiancée." He might follow this by adding, "Are you willing to apologise?" or "We'll get off now so you can calm down, Mum, because friction doesn't help any of us, does it?" He could add reassurances that he does love her.
So, hopefully, by Christmas you and she will have managed to form some kind of working relationship even if you're not best buddies. If your future brother-in-law isn't willing to take turns inviting her round for the festive dinner, ask her in plenty of time. Use flattery - "You're so good at (roasting turkey/stuffing/gravy/puddings)! Please will you let me have your recipe because X loves it?"
Meantime don't take her hurtful remarks to heart. She doesn't define you! You might have a good moan about it with your most trusted and discreet friend but after that, why waste any more worry on her? If she wants to make herself unhappy, that's her choice. If your fiancé eventually decides to see less of her or meet her only on neutral territory, let that be his decision, not yours.
Apart from that, enjoy the love you have and concentrate on inviting the most rewarding things into your life. Good luck.
