Dear Anne
I am a male who was involved in a road accident some six years ago. In the accident I also lost my partner and lover (female) who was killed. I am now paraplegic and live a lonely life. I still have physical feelings although I can never have a sexual relationship. I find that women tend to retreat from me when we meet. I am clean, tidy and well-educated, so what am I doing wrong? Lonely
Dear Survivor
I won't address you as Lonely because the fact that you are lonely now doesn't mean that you always will be. As you have discovered, life is about change and the fact that your life has taken a turn for the worse doesn't mean you can't change other things for the better.
You ask what you are doing wrong. Instead of giving yourself critical labels, I invite you to to be more self-supportive. Other people's prejudices are not your fault, and you can feel sorry for people who have such bad manners. You have done well to come as far as you have. Now you can make other changes to get you more of what you want. The door out of loneliness opens from the inside. Even if your end-goal is a fulfilling male-female relationship, wouldn't spending the time by making more fun and friendships in your life be better than just hanging around waiting? As Stephen Stills said, if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with! You could contact the hospital where you were treated and ask if they have a support group, and whether they could offer you counselling (many people who've been in fatal accidents experience survivor guilt and other problems) or some other kind of help via their social worker. Another resource could be PhAb, the association for Physically Handicapped-Able Bodied, whose website is at www.phabengland.org.uk . The wider your network of friends, the more chance you have of meeting a woman you'd like to go out with.
Beyond that, what other activities could you take an active interest in? How about using internet chat-rooms? Or visiting magazine sites like Paraplegia News at www.pn-magazine.com ? Would you be willing to volunteer to help others? You still have a lot to offer. You are literate so perhaps you could help out at a local adult education literacy programme or read to someone who's blind. You can use the internet so you could show others how to do this. Maybe the hospital could use your services in some way. You are obviously intelligent and you're now allowed to use all your faculties to enrich your life to the greatest extent possible. The happier and more fulfilled you are, the more chance you have of meeting that special someone. And of enjoying life instead of just waiting.
I do wish you optimism and the courage to reach out. Good luck!
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