Dear Anne
I feel so lonely, even with my friends. It's not that they're mean to me, but they're not very nice either. It's always happened since I was small. I'm with a group of friends, but it always seems like I'm not part of the group. I'll give you an example of what I mean. My friends usually ditch me without telling me where they are, especially in dances. It's not like that I hate dances, but I hate going with them because I always look like a loner when I'm hanging out with them; they just leave me without telling me where they are. Just yesterday in some dance, they ditched me, literally 8 times already. And when I sit next to them, I'm never part of the conversation because they just whisper between themselves and I usually can't hear anything to give my opinion. Even though people say, "It's not you, dear," I'm definitely sure there's something wrong with me. I must be really boring to talk to or just that everybody hates me. Please tell me what I can do to improve myself. I really hate myself. I constantly think how nice it would be just to be somebody else. I hate myself so, so much. Sometimes I wish I could die. *Sigh!* Please advise me on what to do. I've had enough. Nickki
Dear Nickki
What a horrible feeling! I do understand and I sympathise. But it has to be said: your friends are being mean. Whispering in the presence of others is downright rude. It speaks very poorly of their social skills. As for shooting off and leaving you on your own, that's bad manners too. Their actions are what they chose to do. Amongst other things, you might consider edging this crowd out from the centre of your social life and finding some nicer people who don't behave in this horrible, ill-mannered, excluding way. And if ever you get suicidal thoughts again, you can ring the Samaritans day or night on 08457-909090.
Part of your unhappiness stems from your misguided belief that you are somehow responsible for how these people behave. While this allows you the comforting illusion that if only you do something different they'll treat you better, it is almost totally an illusion. Far from helping you get more of what you want, it's been keeping you stuck and unhappy. Instead of beating yourself up, become your own best friend. Encourage and support yourself. Why not take action to build up your confidence? It is your confidence, and instead of mistakenly believing how you feel about yourself depends on others, you're allowed to take responsiblity for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. Two useful tactics: the more you imagine being outgoing, charming, well-received, the better you'll feel and the more you'll come out of your shell; and the more you remember all the times when people have been welcoming and pleasant to you, the more you'll realise you deserve niceness so the less you'll put up with others' rudeness.
