Dear Anne,
I'm a 50 year old gay man and have been with my partner for 10 years. For the last 5 we haven't had a sexual relationship. Apart from that, the relationship is okay/good. I didn't enjoy the sexual side. I have tried to talk to my partner about my needs but they are not met, so I stopped. I intend for us to remain together as a couple. My main concern is that I am feeling that I don't care if life continues or not, although I wouldn't take my life. I'm just incredibly bored, in an underchallenging job and have no get up and go. I used to be very fit, enjoying yoga, cycling, swimming and tennis, and I used to be a talented artist, but all that's gone and I just have no motivation at all. Over the past 4 years I've taken to drinking what I regard as quite heavily. I can sink a bottle of wine in an evening, easily. This was in part started by a very frustrating and demanding work environment that I had from 2002-2008. My new job is mundane but the hours are substantially better! Having reached 50, I just want to have something of value to show for these years. I have taken anti-depressants before, and they may have helped, but that was at a period when times of feeling good could carry me over. I just don't have any of those any more. Please don't think of this from the perspective of leaving my partner as I would lose my home and garden, and although they now feel like a prison, they are all I feel I have. Thank you. Phil
Dear Phil,
I'm sorry you've been feeling so low. It's quite understandable given that you've been experiencing a number of difficulties, but it sounds as though you may be suffering from a touch of depression too. Medication on its own is unlikely to fix that, but if you combine it with a talking therapy, you can update your thinking and behaviour so you feel better too. I hope you'll discuss this, and your drinking, with your GP. You may find it quicker and more effective to arrange private counselling since there's usually a fairly long waiting-list on the NHS. I'd recommend someone with a background in Transactional Analysis. You could email admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of practitioners in your area. Or you could ring round therapists listed on Yell.com to talk to them and find someone who treats you as a whole person, is cool with your being gay (not all therapists are) and with whom you feel comfortable working.
You're unlikely magically to start feeling better overnight, but if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting the same results. Tackle your problems individually and work out how to overcome them step by step. Every step is worth celebrating! Like all of us, you're not finished. You're a work in progress, and you can make changes one at a time to build more fulfilment in your life.
You might go to www.relate.org.uk to find out about psychosexual counselling. If your partner's willing to have this kind of counselling with you, you and he could improve your relationship no end. All you do in the counselling room is talk. Any behavioural exercises are carried out in the privacy of your own home. Even if he won't go with you, it's still worth going on your own. As you learn different ways of thinking and talking, your partner won't be able to keep treating you the same. I don't suppose he's that happy with celibacy either. It could well be that feeling unregarded sexually and emotionally by your partner (however great he is in other ways) is at the root of your discontent.
A boring, routine job isn't helpful either, is it? Jobs don't just come in those two flavours: overdemanding or unstimulating. It's not the easiest economic climate out there but you have at least three options: to talk to your boss and ask him if you could sometimes take on more challenging projects; to develop your vocational skills, which may or may not mean retraining; or to look around for other work which suits you better. This third choice may be one you want to leave until you've tried out the others, not least because making big decisions while you're under stress isn't the smartest of plans.
It's also worth knowing that alcohol in the quantities you've been taking acts as a depressant and therefore prevents motivation. You might try first of all making every other drink a soft one, and making sure you don't drink more than 2-3 units (1/3 to 1/2 bottle maximum) per night. Having at least the odd day completely off the sauce will be helpful in your feeling better too.
You say your home and garden are all you have. Well, no. You have someone who loves you to the best of his ability. You have skills and an income. You probably have friends. You have interests and talents, although of late you've felt lacking in the motivation to use these for your own benefit. Interest is what you put into something, not what you get out of it. It may be hard, but making yourself do ten minutes of yoga, have a brief swim, phone a friend for a chat or to arrange an outing or a game of tennis will be more rewarding than sitting there feeling gloomy and stuck. Each moment offers you thousands of choices. Activity beats inertia! It is possible to overcome depression and regain the joy of life. For more on how, why not go to my website at www.emotionalmagic.net?
You may also have felt that being 50 marks some special point in life, a point at which someone judges you on whether you have a fancy car or a brilliant job or whatever. But 50's just a date on the calendar. You already have a lot going for you, including those talents you've nurtured over the years. Don't hand other people the right to judge you! Not everyone's interested in status symbols. Value the many good things you have, including your skills, and the power you possess to invite more happiness into your life. I sympathise, and wish you every happiness. Good luck.
