Dear Anne
I have fallen completely in love with this guy I met a while ago. Trouble is, he's going out with one of my close friends. Whenever I see him I feel the happiest I've ever been. He understands me so well and we have become great friends. He flirts with me a lot, and has made some subtle hints but I'm not sure if he is serious. If I make a move, he could have only been joking, and then I will have lost his friendship and my friend's. But if I don't take the risk, I'll never know.
I've never liked anyone as much as I like him, and I've never trusted anyone as much either. I just can't stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him. When I see him with my friend it eats me up inside and I feel constantly on the edge of tears. I just don't know what the best course of action is. Help! Sarah
Dear Sarah
I do understand how you feel. The hope that you'll see him, that he'll smile and talk to you, perhaps flirt a little, and oh! How great you'll feel! But deep down you know how he feels too. He feels like he'd rather go out with your mate or he'd have packed her in and asked you out and that could open a whole new can of worms, couldn't it? No doubt he's also flattered by your obvious admiration. Like you, he enjoys the extra attention but that isn't the same as love.
You see, though what you're experiencing may feel like love with all its pains and joys, it isn't real. It's based more on fantasy than on what actually happens. Real love can never be one-sided. His preference for your mate doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It's just that right now you and he want different things. By all means enjoy a light flirtation, so long as it doesn't go over the top and hurt your friend.
But wouldn't it be nicer if you could find someone who is emotionally available? Someone with whom you can share affection, fun and romance? And can you do that while you're wrapped in dreams of what it would be like if only this guy were your boyfriend? You're obviously attractive, a good conversationalist and good fun or this guy wouldn't have flirted with you. Why not take in the good things about how worthwhile, attractive and interesting you are? Armed with this confidence you can look for a feller of your own. One who's free to love you right back, and not at the cost of your friendships. Because guys come and go, but good female friends could be for life.
And in the meantime, what about expending some of the emotional energy you've been investing in your fantasy romance into making your life more fun and more rewarding for yourself? Expanding your social circle and trying exciting new interests? Your turn for love will come.
I wish you happiness and peace of mind.
Back to Ask Anne
