Dear Anne,
I am feeling very depressed. I sometimes feel that there is no point in me being here. My new partner is perfect in almost every way. We have been together for nearly 3 years, but he is still in constant contact with his ex of 7 years. I know he texts her almost every day, and I know the texts are innocent and he loves me with all his heart, but this makes me feel really really down. It's eating me up to the stage where I just feel like what is the point in anything. I ask him and he says he hardly hears from her, but I have checked his phone and I know he is lying. It is an innocent lie because he knows I know it is innocent but I don't want him to text her. He sent a text on Valentines night. I feel like ending the relationship, but I love him so much. It's getting to much for me to cope with. Anon
Dear Anon,
I'm sorry you've been feeling so insecure. Lots of people do this to themselves until they learn a more realistic way of looking at things. It's an awful feeling - but from what you say it's coming almost entirely from your own thoughts.
You say your partner is just about perfect. In which case, you can ask him for reassurance that he loves you. After all, he's been with you for the best part of three years. Which makes me wonder why you say he's your "new" partner. Since he's chosen to be with you for the last three years, he obviously finds you lovable. That's something else for you to think about, isn't it?
Then it's up to you what you do with his reassurances. To start with, you might write them down in a Positive Book. Each time he holds you, kisses you, compliments you, spends time with you, in fact any time he gives you any positive attention at all, write it down before you forget it. And keep reading through your Positive Book. When he does kiss you etc., you can also keep repeating in your head, "He's kissing me because he loves and fancies me." The fact is, he and his ex have split. He chooses to be with you rather than with her. As a girlfriend she's in his past, and you're in his present. Assuming the two of you have made plans to live together or get married, you're in his future too.
But as a friend, she's still part of his life. It's not that surprising since their friendship dates from at least 10 years ago. You might tell him that when he lies to you, you feel disrespected and you wonder what else he might be lying to you about, so will he please always be open and honest with you? Then you could ask him if he's willing to cut down his communication with her to, say, once a week. You might ask him to invite her out with the two of you. She'll see you and him holding hands, being together as a couple. As you get to know her, you can also ask her why she thinks the two of them split.
