Dear Anne,
When I was 10 my mum died. Then at school I just gave up and got in trouble because I just thought, "What's the point?" Now I'm 15 and I've realised that I've ruined my life. Simon
Dear Simon,
I'm sorry to hear that your mum died. It's very hard for anyone, but especially for youngsters, to lose a parent. Learning about death at the age of 9 or 10 and in such a way is traumatic. To realise that people die, that our personal universe can be reshaped by a parent's absence, is hard. You won't be the only youngster who's thought, "What's the point?" and dropped the ball for a while.
But your life is still just starting. You're on the point of maturing into an adult with new freedoms and new choices. If you're lucky you'll have another 70 or 80 years to live. You can live those years to invite as much pleasure and fulfilment into your life as you can. Or you can give up and just coast into a boring, self-destructive, dead-end lifestyle.
What would your mum want for you? Didn't she love you to the best of her ability for as long as she could? Didn't she want you to be successful and happy in your own way? Don't other people care about you, family or friends? I hope you're lucky enough to be able to answer "Yes" to that last question.
Even if you're not, remember you're not responsible for other people's choices, only your own. We all make mistakes. Then we have to deal with the consequences and make more supportive decisions. You matter, Simon. You matter to yourself most of all.
One of the great things about growing up is that we realise more and more we're not defined by our past actions or by other people's take on us. We all have the capacity to remake ourselves every day. It's not going to happen overnight, but you can make changes. Step by step you can get where you'd like to go. Often that starts with working out where you would like to go. Good friendships and good love. Fun. Travel. Adventure. Helping others. Learning to respect and like yourself.
I'm glad you're starting to realise that doing better at school will be a help to you. Between now and school starting, you might look over your old exercise books and/or go to the Bitsize revision section at www.bbc.co.uk. You don't have to be too obsessive about this, but an hour or two a day wouldn't go amiss. If you have coursework to catch up on, ask at the library for help. When you go back to school, ask for a quiet word with your head of year and explain why you stopped caring and that you now care again so you want to turn over a new leaf and you'd like some support with that. If you act respectfully to teachers and classmates and start taking responsibility for yourself, you can move forward. GCSEs are helpful - but what you achieve at 16 doesn't determine the rest of your life. Richard Branson did dreadfully at school but he's gone on to make a success of himself, hasn't he? There are retakes. Work experience. Apprenticeships. Nightschool. Open University. Each day, each hour, each minute, you have the choice: to take care of yourself - or not. And if you do drop the ball sometimes, you can pick it up again. We are who we choose to become.
A word of warning. You're likely to have fallen into a crowd who don't care about themselves and who still want to be the class clown or make trouble. They'll try to pull you back into line with them. But where you go and what you do is up to you. It may be a challenge but you can make more supportive friends.
It sounds like you may have taken your natural anger at your mother's death out on yourself. You might find it useful to go to www.griefnet.org, a website run by and for those who've been bereaved.
I wish you the courage to live your life in the knowledge that you matter and you can make a difference. And I wish you confidence and happiness. Good luck.
Anne
