Dear Anne,
I've been seeing a married lady for the last 12 months. When I met her she was very unhappy and sleeping on a campbed in her daughter's room. As we grew into our relationship I began to realize what the problem was between her and her husband. He was having a go, which was making her unhappy. I suggested that she start sharing the marital bed again. She agreed to try, but the first time was a disaster and she said never again. Eventually they did get things sorted, and she's started having sex with him on a more regular basis. I've told her that if she wants to end our relationship I'll understand, but she's adamant that she loves us both and won't end either relationship. My problem is I've become obsessed with her sex life with her husband. Is this normal? Jack
Dear Jack,
You're having an affair with a woman who's resolved her problems with her husband and is regularly making love with him and you're wondering if it's normal for you to be obsessed by this? Of course it is! When a man and a woman love each other, normally they want to be exclusive so that the relationship isn't just a bit on the side but a proper, full-blown togetherness. And that's not what this woman's offering. She wants to have her cake and eat it.
This is it. This is what you've got. What you've invited by your own actions. What you'll have to put up with unless you and your mistress decide to do something different. You may want to go on being a homebreaker, carrying on with an adulterous, secretive relationship which constantly risks exposure and holds out no prospect of permanence or true intimacy. From your letter it doesn't sound like that's what you want. Since she's got everything she wants - the excitement of an affair and a loving husband at home - she's not likely to want to change. So change will have to start with you.
I hope you'll have the strength to walk away for your own sake, assuming you believe you deserve good love. That way you'll be free to find someone who truly is available in practical and emotional terms so you have a real chance of happiness. But what you do is up to you.
