Dear Anne
Please help. I have no idea where my life is going. I left school at 16 with 10 good GCE'S and went to college to study A levels. It was important to me to make something of myself because I come from a very disadvantaged background, and I wanted to to break away from the estate where I was raised and make my mother proud of me. Throughout my school days I had suffered with depression and self harmed, but I managed to stop self harming just before I went to college. However after a few weeks of starting I was dumped by my fiance and my whole world fell apart. I took a year out with the intention of going to back to college the following year and to spend some time with my father in America. I spent a few months in America and then came back home. With a few months left before I went back to college I stayed at home all the time.
In september 2002 I went back to college but as I had been spending so much time at home I realised that it was difficult for me to leave the house every day. I had no friends as they were all in a different year/college to me and I didn't feel as though I fitted in. I couldn't concentrate on the lessons as I was worried about my mother who has very bad arthritis. Before when I was at home I could look after her but when I was at college I wasn't there for her. Also in the months when I was at home I put on a lot of weight. I was so disgusted with my appearance that I dreaded going out in public as I hated people seeing me. I missed a lot of time and because my attendance was so low the college eventually asked me to leave. My depression had came back by this time and I couldn't find the strength to fight to stay in college. All of my ambition and energy had gone.
That's how I have felt ever since. I'm now 18 and intended to start afresh at another college. However I discovered that I could not apply to begin this August as all applications to colleges in my area must have been submitted by March of this year when I was still at my old college. I decided to go and live with my dad in California for a new start but my dad said that his job had been affected by the bad economy caused by the war and that he didn't want me living with him. I have thought about getting a job but I am very nervous and apprehensive about actually getting out there and working in the adult world. My main ambition is to go to University but going back to college now, being so much older than the other first years there, seems an overwhelming task. Also I have developed a fear of leaving the house. The few friends that I have have given up on me now as I can never get up and just leave the house as I suffer from panic attacks.
I'm only 18 but I feel like my life has ended before it has begun. I deeply regret the choices I've made, but most of all I hate how my mum is so disappointed in me. Lately I've started to feel like ending it would be the perfect answer, and that everyone would be better off without me. However a part of me still wants to get a good job and make my family proud of me but I don't see how I can do this with things carrying on the way that they are. Please give me some advice, or your opinion on what I should do. It would be very much appreciated. Thankyou. Anna
Dear Anna
Thank you so much for your letter. You have had some very tough times and I am glad you have survived. Just because things have been difficult, though, it doesn't mean they always will be. So let's start with the panic attacks.
Perhaps the scariest thing about panic attacks is the belief that you're dying. But you're not. You have lived through them because they're not fatal. They're not heart-attacks which have different symptoms. There is a lot more information about how to deal with panic attacks on my website at www.emotionalmagic.net but I hope you are encouraged by the fact that lots of people overcome them and never suffer from them again. One thing you can do to calm yourself down is triangle breathing, where you breathe in normally for a count of three, breathe out normally for a count of three and hold your lungs empty for a count of three. This works because it sends a message to your adrenal glands that you don't need any more adrenaline so your heart-rate, breathing and body-chemistry go back to a normal condition.
It's also a good idea to go and see your doctor, not least because you've been feeling low-level suicidal impulses. There is effective medicine to combat both depression and panic attacks. The guy who invented one type of anti-panic-attack tablets got the Nobel Prize because it was something so many people needed, so please don't be embarrassed about talking things through with your doctor. Around 20% of the population seek help with emotional problems at some time in their life so you're perfectly normal, even if you don't feel like it right now! Your GP may also be able to refer you to a counsellor on the NHS, or you could ask your local branch of the mental health charity MIND for free counselling. With a counsellor you can learn to overcome your fears and build up your confidence. You can find your nearest branch via the MIND website at www.mind.org.uk You could also order confidence-building books like The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield or the Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burn via www.amazon.co.uk .
It is not your fault that your dad doesn't have the money for you to go to college in the States, so please don't blame yourself. It's not because of you or anything about you. Nor are you responsible for making your mother happy.
