Dear Anne,
I have been dating my boyfriend for four and a half years. Whenever talk of commitment comes up it's always with a negative outcome. For instance if he lived in my house he wouldn't be able to watch the news when he wanted or he hasn't enough money to keep me - which is daft because I have my own income. Then we argue or I get upset or he just says we will know when the time's right, but won't elaborate. Whenever he talks of the future it's always in the singular and never seems to include me. Just recently I asked him why this was. He says I know he loves me because he shows that by all the loving things he does for me. The lack of a proper answer to my question once again led me to become upset. He moved across to sit next to me and quietly said he wanted it too. That was four weeks ago and it's not been mentioned since. Is he just stringing me along? He is 60 I am 49. Eva
Dear Eva,
I'm not at all sure this guy's stringing you along, that is, leading you up the garden path on purpose. From what you say it's more like he's torn on the matter. Sometimes the "yes" part is in charge, sometimes the "no" part. It would seem he's uncertain and so unwilling to rock the boat while he waits for one answer to win out overall. Which it's not likely to all on its own, is it?
So you have choices. You can carry on not knowing, getting frustrated and upset but not rocking the boat. You could issue an ultimatum, which probably won't get what you want and could cause a hostile break-up. Or you could take a more assertive role as follows. You could say quite honestly that you don't want the pair of you left dangling in uncertainty any longer, and that with each of you thinking on your own you've reached a stuck point. You could ask him if he likes being stuck in this half-way house.
He might! Maybe it gets him what he wants: love and attention in quantities he can control while maintaining his space and independence. Maybe you do your best to give him everything he wants in order to "buy" the kind of attention and response you want. If so, it's not working for you, is it? If he does want to keep on as you are, then you could decide that you're going to have a mental cut-off point of, say, 12 weeks, and use that time to prepare yourself to fly solo for a while.
If he's not sure, you could tell him you do want a live-in partner and you're not willing just to put your life on hold. Then you could ask him if he'll work with you to overcome the obstacles. One way could be for you each to say what pattern you'd like a typical evening to follow, from that first welcome-home kiss and chat right through to bedtime. Then you could build up, spending one night a week in the chosen home, then two nights, then three and so forth, which gives you both the chance to iron out difficulties. A second TV and DVD recorder could be helpful!
But the excuses he's been making indicate that probably it's a deeper fear, one he could address both with you and in individual counselling - except that I doubt he'd be willing to acknowledge it. Maybe he fears you'd take over his life completely, or that if he really got close you'd "find him out" and reject him. It's worth at least asking these questions. After all, if he can't even talk about this it's pretty much a given that he can't do it either. So what have you lost? You've still had the nice times with him, you just haven't had the future you'd hoped for with him. That doesn't mean you can't find someone suitable who (a) does want a live-in love and (b) is capable of doing it.
Because unless you adjust so you're happy with a part-time lover, you're going to keep feeling hurt and maybe rejected in this half a relationship. In which case, after a few weeks of being alone, you could start looking for someone who wants what you want and is willing to act constructively to bring it about. Casual dating, including asking the vital question "What do you want from your relationships?" by the second or third meeting, could be your best way forward. You too might discuss with a counsellor ways of feeling good about yourself and enjoying life with just part-time male company.
Do remember, though, that this guy's actions aren't about you. They're about him and his emotional management. You know you're attractive and lovable. You just need someone who can and will give you the kind of love you desire. Every person you weed out is one closer to the one you want. And many things in life can give satisfaction, not just romance.
So it's over to you, Eva. I wish you the courage to work out your best way forward. Good luck.
