Dear Anne,
I don't really know how to sum up the issues I'm having at the moment, but I feel that basically my partner completely disregards my feelings, forgets important things in my life, and doesn't think to consider me in the decisions he makes. We met 15 years ago and have been on and off since then. We've now been together for over a year, we are living together, and last year he proposed. He has always been spontaneous, creative and impulsive, and when he goes out with his friends I can predict that he will be late/not come home/not contact me etc, but I'm still hurt by it, and he accuses me of having a bad attitude. I cannot continue being disrespected, but I don't know how to impose boundaries and show him that he hurts me and that there should be consequences for his actions. I can't leave the flat as I'm stuck in a contract and money is really tight. He is also trying to set up his own business so is currently on benefits despite having a full time job held open for him. His work is priority and he will always aim to be on time for meetings as he sees them as important, but I want the same treatment for me. I also want some remorse and an apology from him. I feel really stuck and I don't know how things can change. I also feel like I'm the one who is being unreasonable and irrational, but I'm not sure if that's reality. I don't know what to do! Some objective advice would be really appreciated, thank you. Anna
Dear Anna,
No, I don't think it's just you being unreasonable. A partner who disappears without letting you at least know that he's OK and when he'll be back would drive most women nuts. For what it's worth, when women behave this way, their men are hurt and upset too.
The way you two have been communicating about this is through blame. And possibly sulks and childish tit-for-tat behaviours. As you've discovered, this just gets both of you into self-justification and further blame. Then you each end up hurt and angry. He feels controlled, you feel sidelined. Not a pretty picture for either of you.
It would be useful for you to do two things: one is to use Emotional Literacy, and the other is to build up your self-esteem, which is bound to have been knocked by all this. EL is a set of techniques for communication. Instead of complaining after the event, issuing decrees or trying to make him feel guilty, you could say at a time when you're getting on OK, "When you go out and don't let me know where you are or when you're coming back, I feel disrespected and I worry about you. Please will you text or phone me to let me know what time you're coming back?" Please note that you haven't asked for what you don't want and you have taken responsibility for your own feelings. You've negotiated positively. There are no guarantees but this style of assertiveness offers the best chance of getting more of what you want. In other areas you can use specific, time-limited negotiation. For example, you might say, "The gas bill is due on the first Wednesday of next month. Will you make sure you can put your half in by that date?" If he can't, then you could ask, "OK, how much will you be able to put in and when?" The website at http://eqi.org/elit.htm offers some good basics in EL.
The second point is more about owning your own feelings. It's common (but uncomfortable) for people to interpret their partner's behaviour in an underming way. You have felt that his unreliability is somehow about your own worth. From what you've written, you appear to believe something like, "Because he doesn't let me know when he's coming back, he's disrespecting me and showing he doesn't really love me." But this is your interpretation. He probably takes your comments as something like, "If she loved me, she'd trust me instead of trying to control me." But you're not responsible for his feelings, only your own. This isn't an invitation to walk roughshod over him!
How could you take care of your own feelings? In various ways. Firstly you might say to yourself, "X is unreliable but I'm lovable and he loves me as best he can." Then don't waste time worrying about him or doubting yourself if he's late back or doesn't show up. Instead make the best of your free time. Go out, phone a friend, do something absorbing or rewarding, which might be working through some confidence-building materials like those at www.coping.org. Take care of yourself!
You could find it worthwhile to have some counselling, perhaps as a couple, but individual counselling could help you update your old patterns of thinking. Relate offer a sliding scale of charges. You can find your nearest branch via www.relate.org.uk. Or email admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of counsellors in your area.
If after three months or so you and he haven't been able to put your relationship on a firmer footing, you might decide to start digging your escape tunnel. You deserve love that feels good to you, and if he can't offer it, there are plenty of other men who can. Good luck.
