I want a baby! - Agony Aunt

Jay

Dear Jay,
I'm sorry you've been feeling so miserable.  You're a level-headed young woman with the sense to seek solutions, so well done for writing in!
    
You can't sort things out with people who are drink-dependent.  However much they mean their promises at the time, they don't have a sufficiently stable personality to act dependably on what they say.  Waiting for them to follow through is frustrating and ultimately disappointing.  Your mum's behaviour is about her, though.  Her behaving unreliably has no reflection on your worth or lovability.  You might go to www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen to find out about this confidential support group for young people affected by other people's drinking.  Even if there isn't a meeting in your area, you can order some of their helpful material online.  
    
Probably because of your confusing relationship with your mum and the fact that your dad and stepmum aren't that good at emotional connections, you've been worried about whether or not you're lovable.  When you then discovered that your boyfriend has sexual problems, you've felt that it was because there was some lack or defect in you.  There isn't.  It's fairly common for men, even teens, to have erectile difficulties.  If they don't panic, they can usually get past these and resume a full, happy love-life.   Because they can find these difficulties so scary, they can refuse to address the problem.  The difficulties can start with a single time when they don't rise to the occasion.  That could be for any number of reasons: too much alcohol, stress, lack of confidence and tiredness are frequent triggers.  Then the male gets so anxious about this that every time he so much as thinks about sex, he gets performance anxiety so he's too scared to initiate.  At least your guy is usually able to respond.  Please believe me when I say that his problem isn't about you but about himself.  It's not a question of blame (which will make things worse) but either of working together to find a solution, or if he's not up for that, of deciding whether this is the relationship for you.  Not everyone would want to stay with a partner who isn't willing to find constructive ways of solving problems.  If he wants to find help, he could go to www.relate.org.uk, perhaps with you too.
    
In addition to your mum's erratic behaviour, some horrible people bullied you when you were younger.  It's therefore unsurprising that you've had some problems with trusting others, but most people are pleasant.  How about lending your closest friends a bit of trust, say by revealing something minor about yourself, and seing what they do with it?  You see, if you keep a shield between you and everybody else with the intention of keeping yourself safe, you don't get all the information about them so it makes you more vulnerable.  Besides, walls keep you in as well as others out!  
    
It's great that you're wise enough to realise now isn't the time for you to have a child.  For your sake and the child's, that's best done within a safe, stable, nurturing relationship.  Your urge to have a baby is probably tied to a desire to recreate the original mother-child bond, only in a way that's designed to get it to come out right this time.  You no doubt hope for a child who'd always be there to love you unconditionally.  Don't forget, though, that the outcome of healthy parenting is that the child grows up and moves away to start an independent life of their own.  On the journey the usual adolescent aggression and tantrums are liable to get in the way.
    
Therefore it makes sense for you to explore deepening your relationships, starting with good friends.  But the best friend any of us can ever have is ourselves.  I hope you'll research emotional and relationship skills, both by reading self-help materials such as those offered by Alateen and online bookstores, and by gradually letting friends closer as they earn your trust.  Meantime, anything you can do to improve your self-confidence will help too.   www.confidenceclub.net and www.coping.org offer great resources.
    
You are not your mother.  Or your father.  You're an individual, and you can find good love - so long as you learn to love yourself.  Good luck, Jay.

Anne