Dear Anne,
I am currently in my first serious relationship in a while and have had to acknowledge to myself that I am completely addicted to it. Time spent away due to holidays etc. is completely torture: I find myself sobbing at the thought of my boyfriend and I being parted for the next two weeks. I want to spend as much time with him as possible but then I have had my heart broken before and always look at my relationships with a pessimistic approach. I am constantly thinking that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. I want to stop and get a grip of myself but I can't. I have a constant lump in my throat and am breaking out in cold-sores because of how stressed I let it make me feel. I really feel I need help as I am crying myself to sleep too often. I really need help. Please will you give me advice? Becky
Dear Becky,
There's love and then there's desperation. You've become aware that you've slipped into the latter and you've been making yourself desperately unhappy. Here are some thoughts which will help you - if you have the courage to apply them.
A two-pronged approach is best. You need to deal both with the physical stress you've inflicted on yourself and with the thoughts that have triggered this. I hope you'll go and talk things through with your doctor. Your GP may be able to refer you to counselling to sort out your unhelpful beliefs. If not, or if there's a long waiting list for NHS counselling, you can find yourself a private counsellor, either on www.yell.com or by emailing admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of those in your area. Alternatively your GP surgery should have a list of voluntary counselling services near you.
You could also help yourself overcome the anxiety by taking around 20 minutes a day of physical exercise assuming you're fit enough. If you're not sure, your doctor can let you know what's appropriate for you. People are more likely to keep up with exercise if they enjoy it, so have you considered yoga classes or a sport that combines exercise with socialising such as dancing, tennis, badminton, archery or fencing? Walking and swimming are also good. Exercise not only burns off surplus adrenaline which fuels anxiety. It also stimulates the production and take-up of feel-good hormones. A relaxation CD could help too - if you're willing to listen to it.
But I'm not convinced you will start to help yourself. Your desperate clinging is designed on some level as a defence to help you hold onto love. That's why it's an addiction. You've somehow believed that if you relax and start to trust your boyfriend, your relationship will end. Addictions hold the seeds of their own destruction. By trying to hand him the responsibility for how you feel, you're placing an unfair and unrealistic burden on him. You are responsible for how you feel. And for what you think and do. Instead of suffocating him with your neediness, how about you stop expecting one area of life - relationship - to fulfil all your needs? How about you build up your confidence? There are plenty of resources on the web, not least www.confidenceclub.net and www.coping.org. Books such as Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood can help you boost your self-esteem so you don't feel so clingy and insecure.
At any given moment you can succumb to desperation - or shift your focus to something that offers its own rewards: friendships, interests, career, community, spirituality, boosting self-esteem and positive thinking, or making your home a refuge and a welcoming environment for yourself.
But letting go of your desperation defence can seem very scary. So I hope you'll seek counselling so you can learn to trust your own lovability, accept that you deserve good love and won't put up with imitations and can build more rewarding equal-equal relationships in the future. Because until you love yourself, you can't enjoy good love. I wish you luck with this challenge.
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