Dear Anne
My problem is a pretty petty one, I know, but it is really beginning to eat away at me. I'm a 19 year old girl, and I've never had a boyfriend. I've had flings and one night stands and brief romances, but nothing lasting. It's not that guys don't like me, because a few have asked me out. I just have shied away from them. Whenever I like a guy, everything's fine. But when he starts to like me back I get scared and back away, and feel a helluva lot less for them. I don't know what makes me do this. Part of me is scared, but I'm not sure what of.
All of my friends have partners, and it makes me feel so left out. I don't want a boyfriend just because everyone else has one. I would just like to meet someone I have that special connection with, and who I feel safe with. My father is abusive, and my sister was raped when she was my age, and that partly makes me cautious of men, but 99% of the time I'm fine. I just don't know what it is that makes me hide in my shell instead of trying to see if I could be happy. It's really getting me down. Jen
Dear Jen
Thank you for your letter. Your problem is not at all petty and it's much more widespread than you may think. You are not alone in this, even if you feel like you are.
As you may have suspected deep down, your early experiences with your father have laid down a pattern where you are fine with comparative strangers, but when you start getting close, your automatic response is panic. This is in fact normal for people who've experienced any degree of parental abuse. It's a protective mechanism that seems to operate by instinct.
The good news is that it doesn't. It's actually a result of some decisions you made when you were small. Those protective reflexes are what kept you as safe as possible while you were growing up, so good for them! They have got you through so far but now you're ready to start updating them. After all, you're no longer the small, vulnerable child who was dependent on your father for yor survival. Instead you're a grown woman, building your adult life and choosing who you are going to have in it. By the way, I'm sorry your sister also had to go through the horror of rape. Most men are decent and honourable so I hope she has been able to work through the trauma and will not let this past event stop her making the life she wants for herself.
You'll have received some pretty mixed messages when you were growing up. These will probably have included You're supposed to love your father while knowing that he didn't behave in ways that felt good. You may have thought that somehow you deserved any poor treatment your parents handed out. You may have seen your mother doing her best to keep the peace at any price, so that you decided (quite rightly at the time) that men and good love and safety don't go together.
Now, though, you can realise that you're not your mum, and your boyfriends are not your dad. You have adult coping skills and you know you don't deserve bad treatment. You are lovable and you deserve good love. You know you don't have to stay in situations were you don't feel uncomfortable. You can set limits and say what you are and are not willing to accept.
It's one thing knowing this on a conscious, rational level. (And you do know all this, don't you?) It's another believing it on an emotional level. Probably the best thing to do is to find yourself a therapist who can help you work through those old traumas and make some useful redecisions. In my opinion a Transactional Analysis approach would be best, but it's OK to talk to different therapists and find one you feel comfortable working with. In the meantime you may find it worthwhile to read Toxic Parents overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life by Dr Susan Forward.
You may also find it useful to think of all the good people you know who like you and treat you well. A very effective way of building up self-protection is to write a list that goes, X likes me, Y likes me and so on, not using ditto marks but actually completing each sentence in full.
You have had the strength and courage to overcome some pretty tough problems. You can use your resources now to overcome this challenge.
One last thing: you say you'd like to come out of your shell and be happy. It's worth knowing that you can do this and be safe but that happiness doesn't only come from having a good boyfriend. It derives from feeling good about yourself and making all areas of your life social, career, surroundings, community, interests as rewarding as possible. And only you can do that for yourself.
I hope you do. You're worth it. Good luck, Jen, and have a wonderful life!
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