Dear Anne,
I broke up with my boyfriend in January. We still loved each other very much but we couldn't stop arguing and things just weren't working. When I broke up with him he got incredibly angry and cut off all contact with me. I didn't think I would ever hear from him again. Whilst we were broken up I started seeing a close friend of his for a while. We slept together a few times when I was drunk and it was a mistake. My boyfriend and I got back together in May after bumping into each other. It has been fantastic - until he found out a couple of weeks ago that I had slept with his friend. He is so upset and has told me that it is my responsibility to make him feel better or he will break up with me. What should I do? I don't know what to say or how to behave to make it better. I haven't cheated on him but I have broken his trust. How do I get this back?
Phoebe
Dear Phoebe,
I know you and this guy have felt a lot for each other but there are danger signals all over this romance. Your boyfriend is responsible for his own happiness. Trying to hand that responsibility to you is manipulative, selfish and unrealistic on his part. It doesn't say much for his emotional maturity or his adult problem-solving skills. Besides, when a romance has been broken and then reformed, the underlying differences are still there and will crop up again.
You and he weren't together when you slept with another man. Therefore your bf has no grounds whatsoever to be jealous. You broke his trust by packing him in - because he'd broken your trust with his immature arguing style. That part is up to him to fix, but it doesn't sound like he's ready to grow up and build an equal-equal bond with you. There isn't anything you can do to make him feel better, other than reassure him that you intend to remain with him.
If that's what you really want to do. Given the problems above, you might well be wary. Do you really want to be with a lad who insists on putting you down so he can be top dog?
As for getting so drunk you do things you later regret, it's a policy you might want to rethink if you want to keep yourself safe in future. Good luck.
Anne
