Dear Anne
I am sitting here feeling sick. Two weeks ago my husband just walked out on me and my two children after a perfectly happy marriage. He kept telling me it was because of debt problems but I have just found out from his mobile that there was another woman involved whom he met on a recent stag weekend. I have spoken to the lady who says he told her that he was not married, and that as she lives a long way there would be no future in it now. I am having bad problems with my son of 4 who was very close to his dad and cries non-stop for him, screams his name out in the middle of the night and just cries constantly at school. I am in total shock. I never dreamed my husband would do this to me and I feel I have no time to get over it as I am too busy trying to help my son over the fact that his dad is never coming back. Please help! Tracy
Dear Tracy
I'm sorry you're in distress. The break-up of a marriage is seldom easy for parents or children, but it's often made worse by the way we look at things. Here are some ideas that may help.
I invite you to take a long, cool look at your ex-husband. Did he tell you lies? Yes, he did. Did he deceive you? Yes, he did. Is he treating his son with love and respect? No, he isn't. That's not your fault. It's not your responsibility either. You didn't make him behave in these ways. It was his choice and his only. If he did have problems, why didn't he choose to address them with you in a mature and assertive way? Why did he choose to be secretive? Your ex is an adult who makes his own decisions. Do you respect the way he's treated you and his lad? Aren't you angry at the way he's behaved? I am, on behalf of you and your son! Acknowledging your anger safely, perhaps by yelling and hitting cushions while your son's at school, could be very therapeutic.
So where do you go from here? You may decide to make the doctor your first port of call. Talking things over with her may be very useful and could certainly help you get over your feeling of sickness. Often after a shock it can take us a time to re-establish healthy eating patterns, so why not treat yourself and your boy to favourite foods and treats for a little while? I think you deserve your own kindness and understanding, don't you?
You also need and deserve support. You may be able to talk about what's going on for you to friends and family, who will probably be just as angry with your ex as I am. They won't blame you for his behaviour! Just getting things of your chest could be a good start, and they can also offer a different perspective. You might choose to ring the Gingerbread Advice Line on 0800-018-4318 between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m., or to visit their website at www.gingerbread.org.uk . Gingerbread is a support organisation for one-parent families run by other people in the same situation.
