Dear Anne
I am a man in his late twenties and I probably have what lots of men dream of: wealth, great job, nice big house, sportscar, wonderful wife/housewife and mother of our nine-month-old baby son. One slight problem: I fancy her sister like mad. She is so like me in many ways. She even enjoys the things I like. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we should have got together instead? She flirts like mad with me and dresses in the most revealing clothes. In the summer she swims in our pool topless and sunbathes in the garden either topless or nearly naked.(after asking me to apply sun lotion to her back and from her feet up to her bottom.) Then she always says, "I hope you're not getting an erection doing that"? I know it's wrong, but when I do masturbate, I think of making love to her. I haven't made love to the wife for about six months because she's "not interested." I have become so sexually frustrated since the hot weather, I feel like making a pass at my wife's sister. I know of the implications, but the question is, does she really fancy me? What if I make a pass at her and she doesn't and has never fancied me and just happens to be a very flirty person, then she tells her sister? I have really blown it all then. My marriage, my son, her friendship. If she does and we end up having mind-blowing sex, how would it ever remain a secret? The crazy thing about all this is that I have been faithful to my wife throughout our 5 years of marriage. The only other woman I have thought about having an affair with is her sister. Please help - but don't say "Seek professional help, and patch thing up with my wife." Because that won't stop me fancying her flirting sister. Paul
Dear Paul
How do you think you got it all, the house, the car, the job, the wonderful wife? Sure, it's possible it might all have dropped into your lap - but whether you've worked for it or not, you could lose the lot, couldn't you? Your can only hold onto it by what you do. Self-sabotage is one option available to you.
Yes, you fancy your sister-in-law, who's playing the sex-kitten flirt and enjoying watching you getting hot and bothered. But does she have her eye on you ... or on your wealth, your car, your house, your lifestyle? Or is it plain old sibling rivalry? You know, she just wants what her sister has? So do you want to give into her games and let her win? Drop a great big bombshell into your carefully ordered world? Because you're right. It wouldn't be fair on either woman - or you, or your son - if you went for that mind-blowing sex you've so often imagined. And it wouldn't stay secret either.
So what if you said to your sister-in-law, "Your flirting this way is threatening my marriage. I know it's been fun but it has to stop. If you flirt with me again, I'll have no choice but to tell my wife." At a time very, very close to this you also need to say to your wife, "Your sister's being so flirty I find it really uncomfortable. I don't think she's serious about it but would you please ask her to stop? You're the one I want, the one I love."
Maybe part of your wife's lack of interest is in recovery from the birth. But maybe part of it is in feeling hurt and left out and unattractive (as many women do after having a child). Mostly people get out of their sex-lives what they put into the rest of the relationship. You don't want advice about this - but how about asking yourself what you can put into the relationship that isn't just money and status? How about regarding your wife as a person who has chosen to be with you rather than just "the" wife the way you talk about "the" car and "the" house?
As for how you stop fancying your sis-in-law, it's easy. You just have to want to. You might make a mental picture of her showing her scheming face and her other attributes coated in your money. You might, when you masturbate, remember your wife and how you used to feel about her. You might take care not to hang around with just your sister-in-law. You might acknowledge that morality is a decision that has to be lived out or it's just hypocrisy.
Or you might risk it all on one throw of the dice. I'm not sure it isn't the danger that attracts you. In which case doesn't your family deserve a more mature husband and father? I wish you and yours all the best.
